Desperado
by Kay9
Summary: Two people return home searching for answers, but find more than they bargained for. Literati
1. The Way There

I don't own any of these characters, sadly they all belong to the WB. The song belongs to the Eagles.  
  
Desperado  
  
.  
  
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?  
You been out ridin' fences for so long now  
Oh, you're a hard one  
I know that you got your reasons  
These things that are pleasin' you Can hurt you somehow  
  
.  
  
The Way There  
  
.  
  
Scenery passes by me in a whirl of deep scarlet reds, golden yellows, and fading greens. The sun sets directly in front of me, I put my sunglasses on. I imagine that if I continue on this never ending black road that I will reach it. I will find a place where there is no darkness, only light.  
  
But alas, at the next exit I turn my blinker on and dutifully slide into the next lane. I am on my way to Stars Hollow for the third time in the past year. And that includes every holiday. It's not that I don't enjoy visiting my childhood home, it really isn't. It just seems that Mom's life is so separate from mine now, that I am intruding on it every time I go. She has her own family now. It's as though I was a child millions of years ago, when in fact it was only ten years ago that I started high school.  
  
The sun has left the sky now, leaving me with the stars and a moon made of butter. I hate the night, it leaves too much time for thinking. During the day I am always on the go, whether it's researching a new story, finding the right words or just wolfing down lunch; I never have time to think about my life. How much it sucks that is.  
  
It seems that I have reached a stand still. My life is routine- wake up, go to work, work, go home, have dinner and then find time for sleep. That's why I don't enjoy the night, there is time to find the loose ends. And it's not like I don't have a social life, I do. Really. But I haven't been on a fourth date in I don't know how long. Trust issues I guess.  
  
I "broke up" with John just yesterday, the excuse I gave my best friend Kylie was that I can't stand the name John. And I really can't. John is the boringest name ever! She corrected me on my grammar and then pointed out to me that it wasn't his name- it's never the name. Kylie always manages to keep me sane, has since Yale.  
  
I just wish I could find the right name . . .  
  
I have been sitting in the driveway for five minutes now, contemplating whether to go inside right away. They're all in there right now- together, being a nice cozy family. As in, 'pass the ketchup' and 'remember to say please'. I hate intruding on their world! I never thought that I could feel like an outsider in my own house, but I do. Although, I can't say it's really my house anymore, I mean my room has even been given away. Sometimes the jealousy consumes me so much that it brings tears to my eyes and I hate myself.  
  
This time it's not just a few days that I'll be spending in Stars Hollow. It's two weeks. Apparently I need a holiday- that's what my boss thinks anyway.  
  
I know that I won't be able to sit out here by myself much longer, Mom will know soon. At least we still have our mother daughter connection, at least we haven't lost that. . . yet.  
  
I am the most negative person I know. How did this happen?  
  
Sure enough, I see the light flicker on the porch and the door flies open. I step out of the car with a grin on my face, and it's real. She's tumbling down the steps her arms spread eagle. It's really good to see her again.  
  
I say this to her as she embraces me so hard that I have trouble breathing.  
  
"Oh, my little baby. I've missed you." Mom says holding me so tight.  
  
"Me too Mom." And now I have tears in my eyes. I want to stay there and pretend that I'm a little girl again. It's just myself and Mom who loves me more than anything or anyone in the world. "Don't let go yet," I whisper.  
  
"I won't," she says.  
  
We stand there like that for a good few minutes until I hear little feet scampering down the steps heading towards us. I don't want out world to be punctured, but it is as I feel two pairs of arms thrown around us.  
  
"Rory!" They yell excitedly, their brown eyes gleaming up into mine.  
  
I kneel down to catch both of my brothers into a hug, "Hey guys! How's it going?"  
  
"Good." They chime together.  
  
"What have you been up to?" I ask and brush a brown lock out of Matthew's eyes.  
  
"Stuff." Comes the usual answer.  
  
I look up at my mom, "Do they ever speak out of unison?"  
  
She shrugs with a grin on her face, "Rarely."  
  
The front door opens again and Luke strides out smiling, backwards hat and all. The boys rush to him yelling and screaming that I'm finally here; he picks both of them up in one swoop and carries them over to me.  
  
"Hey Luke."  
  
He leans over to kiss my cheek, "Rory, how've you been?"  
  
"Great," I smile and say, "How have you been treating my mother?"  
  
"Like a queen."  
  
Mom snorts beside me, "Right. So a queen deserved to be banned from coffee this morning?"  
  
Luke furrows his eyebrows, "You already had four cups! One of these days you're going to get cancer!" He turns to me, his expression lighter "Where's your suitcase?"  
  
"Trunk. Thanks Luke." I automatically hand him the keys. "I knew he was good for something." I say as I turn to Mom.  
  
He lets the boys down who immediately scramble to my side. Tyler tugs my hand until I look down at him, "Mom's not really going to get cancer is she?"  
  
"Of course not." I say and scoop him up, "She just likes coffee a lot."  
  
"Well, I don't." And he crosses his arms. I can't help but kiss him on the cheek, I have the cutest twin brothers.  
  
Mom rolls her eyes, "They've been hanging around their father too much."  
  
I laugh and walk into the house with the perfect family in tow.  
  
***  
  
My hands close around the warm coffee cup, I breathe in its aroma and sigh with pleasure. Mom joins me minutes later where I am curled up on the couch.  
  
She settles down next to me, "Living with a man who owns a dinner definitely has its pluses." She takes a long satisfying sip.  
  
Only minutes ago Luke had put the boys to bed and than left us, he seems to always know when we need to be alone. So it is me and Mom again, I can almost imagine that I have a test tomorrow in History and she's trying to talk me out of studying.  
  
But instead she says, "What's been up with you?" She tugs on my foot.  
  
I give her my best confused face. "What do you mean?" I ask innocently.  
  
"Don't play games with me hon, I'm your mother. I know when something's up." She stares at me with her familiar blue eyes. Blue eyes that I see everyday in the mirror, blue eyes that were only given to me.  
  
Another sip of coffee falls down my throat, hot and pleasing. "It's nothing," I say.  
  
"Rory."  
  
I don't want to tell her what's upsetting me. I'm so ashamed.  
  
"You haven't been to visit me at all this year."  
  
My eyes fall on hers, I can see the hurt there. "I know," I say. I can feel the beginnings of a blush creeping up my neck.  
  
She only says one word. But it's that one word that wounds me the most. "Why?"  
  
A sigh escapes from my lips and I play with the blanket that had been pulled over my legs moments before. I pull at its strings, letting them stretch and then fly back.  
  
Her hand closes over mine. "Rory, we've always been able to talk to each other."  
  
But this time she wouldn't understand. I don't want to see the pain I will inflict upon her if I tell her.  
  
"Rory, look at me."  
  
I can't though. I just can't. If I look at her I might give it all away.  
  
"You know I haven't forgotten you."  
  
And my head jerks upward. How did she know that was the one thing I wanted her to say?  
  
"You're still my favorite daughter."  
  
I force a smile, "I'm your only daughter."  
  
"Not the point." And now she smiles too.  
  
I link my hand with hers, "I guess I have felt a little like an outsider each time I come."  
  
"That's because you don't come often enough."  
  
I know that tonight would be made of confessions.  
  
"Sometimes I miss it being just you and me." I say in a very small voice. God, I am so ashamed, but still the words spill from my mouth. "I mean it seems like our lives are so separate now. That we were mother and daughter ages ago. It sometimes feels like it never even happened."  
  
When I look up at her I don't see disappointment or sadness, instead I watch as relief washes over her face. "Ya know what hon? Sometimes I feel exactly the same way. But you have to remember that those were the best years of my life, we were best friends and we still are."  
  
I nod my head as tears spring into my eyes, "Thanks Mom."  
  
We hug and suddenly everything seems alright in the world, that maybe my life isn't so bad. When you hug your mother things have a way of looking up.  
  
Later on all of my worries and confessions have flowed from my mind into my mouth. I tell her everything- about my stressful job, the never ending routines of my life, John, and how I can't seem to find the right name.  
  
"Hmm, John. Yeah, I for one have never been very partial to that name." Mom says with a thoughtful expression. "Except of course when it came to John Cougar."  
  
"Mellencamp."  
  
"Cougar."  
  
"Mellencamp."  
  
"Cougar."  
  
"Hurts So Good."  
  
"Jack and Diane."  
  
"Ain't that America."  
  
"This house was almost-"  
  
"Painted pink." I say with her. How many times have we been over this? I laugh and she does too. "I've really missed this." I admit.  
  
"Me too."  
  
"I guess I should come around more often." I say. And I mean it.  
  
"Yeah, you should." She says. And then suddenly she sits up very quickly. If there had been any coffee left in her cup I'm sure it would have spilled every where. "Oh! I ugh, I um . . . I kinda forgot to ugh, tell you something."  
  
I look at her curiously.  
  
"I mean it's probably to big deal anyway. But I thought that if I told you, you might not come down at all.  
  
"What is it Mom?"  
  
"We have a visitor."  
  
"Yeah . . . me."  
  
"Nope, we have another coming next Sunday."  
  
"Oh." I look down at my empty coffee cup. Even less time for us. There goes my negativity again!  
  
"Don't worry about it, he's mostly just coming for Luke anyway." Mom shifts uncomfortably in her position.  
  
"Him? For Luke?" I ask.  
  
"Yeah, he ugh, moved back to New York City about a year ago or so, and now he's finally coming to Stars Hollow."  
  
"Back to New York City? Do I know him?"  
  
"Well, sure, of course you do."  
  
I laugh, "Mom, are you going to tell me his name or what?"  
  
Him. Visiting Luke. Moved back to New York City. Finally coming to visit Stars Hollow. The laughter dies from my lips as realization dawns on me. "Jess?" I say.  
  
"Yeah." Mom says, her face apprehensive.  
  
Jess Mariano? His name brings back mixed emotions. Happiness, frustration, anger, confusion, and more anger. I see his face mixed with Dean and a dark bedroom and a fist. I shake my head to clear these images, "Oh." I shrug my shoulders in a nonchalant way. "No biggie."  
  
She stares hard at me, "You sure?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean I haven't seen him in six years. I wonder how he's doing."  
  
"He opened a book store in the city."  
  
"Did he? Wow." I stop and stare at her as I take a moment to process this new information. "How come you never told me this before?"  
  
"Because I wanted to make sure you wouldn't back out on me. And he hasn't really had much contact with Luke since he left. A few phone calls and letters. Jess sent money to Luke every now and then to pay off his debt."  
  
I raise my eyebrows, "What debt?"  
  
"The one from the party."  
  
"Party? What . . ." And then I know and I giggle. "Ohhh, that party." I laugh again, "To think that they actually fought over me." I shake my head in disbelief.  
  
"Every girl should have at least one moment when boys fight over her." Mom smiles.  
  
I smile back and the world's alright with me again.  
  
***  
  
Click, click, click. His hands tighten on the book in his lap. Click, click, click. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. Click, click, click. Could he not get a little peace? Click, click , click.  
  
"Excuse me," He finally says to the person sitting too closely next to him. "Would you mind keeping your pen to yourself?"  
  
The woman looks up surprised, her second chin jiggling. "Well, I'm sorry hon. Didn't know it was botherin' you. Gotta keep occupied somehow." She says in a southern accent and puts her pen in her purse. "Next time just say somethin'."  
  
Is that not what he just did? He fights off the urge to roll his eyes and returns to his book.  
  
"What's that you're readin'?" She leans over his shoulder seeking the title.  
  
"'The Prince of Tides'." He says in an exasperated voice. He already knows what's coming.  
  
"S'that so?" Her deep green eyes contrast heavily with her bright yellow hair. "Now, I've never been much of a reader myself. But I do what I can."  
  
He doesn't really think she does what she can, but he nods politely anyway.  
  
Suddenly her eyes widen in surprise, "Why I believe I've seen that movie!" Her chin trembles with excitement.  
  
How did he get stuck by her? He groans, "Barbara Streisand?"  
  
She pats him on the arm good naturally, "Yeah! That was her. She played a psychoatrist or something of the sort."  
  
"If you have the time, read the book. It surpasses the movie by far."  
  
"Well, thanks for the tip darlin'. I reckon I will."  
  
He gives a sigh of relief thinking the conversation is over. He opens his book once again.  
  
"So where are you headed?"  
  
Damn. "Stars Hollow."  
  
She smoothes out her bright purple blouse, "Never heard of it."  
  
"Small town. Very small."  
  
"Goin' for a visit home?" When she smiles two large dimples appear on either side of her face.  
  
"You could say that." He says nodding.  
  
"Turn that frown upside down!" She says suddenly.  
  
He hasn't realized he is frowning. So much in fact that wrinkles appear on his young face. "Excuse me?" He says surprised.  
  
"I know goin' back home can be tough, but you've gotta face it with a smile. That's my theory on life anyway."  
  
"Smile when you go back home?" He says nearly smirking.  
  
"No, smile when life gets rough."  
  
"Huh." But he can't help but take her advice.  
  
"Now there's a pretty face! So what's so bad about goin' home anyway?"  
  
He watches as she takes a magazine out of her enormous purse and flips idly though it with long red finger nails.  
  
"You could poke an eye out with those." He says.  
  
She holds a hand up to the light, "That's why I like em'. And don't go changin' the subject."  
  
"Because I hurt a lot of people when I left." He stares out the window, tiny stars wink back at him. He would make it by morning.  
  
"Ohh, did you now? Well, that happens." She slices to the next page of her magazine "Would ya look at this?" She holds it up to him, there is a picture of some celebrity caught in the act of cheating on their wife with a stripper. "Disgusting. The things they put in the news these days. But sometimes you've gotta get on your own. I did the same thing when I was eighteen. Hightailed my way outta Grace, Mississippi to Hollywood, had it in my mind to be an actress."  
  
"Did it work?"  
  
She laughs heartily, "Can you really see me on T.V? No, I ended up waitressin'. Wouldn't change a thing though, met my husband there. Had four beautiful kids." She pauses to lick her finger and turn another page. "Nope, wouldn't change a thing."  
  
"Did you ever go back?"  
  
"Yessir I did, to announce my engagement. My Mama was right mad at me, but I'm glad I did. Set things straight between us again. Sometimes leavin' home is the only way to find yourself. It was for me anyway." She sighs looking at her magazine, "Wish I had those legs." And then shakes her head, flipping to the next page. "Who'd you hurt?"  
  
"My uncle." He doesn't understand why he is telling her this, he's never told anyone this. "He took me in when my mom threw me out. I lived with him for two years and he put up with all my shit." He sighs too and stares out the window. "I left without a good bye or a thank you."  
  
"Mmm," She says thoughtfully. "That hurts. So you were one of those 'don't need anyone kids'. There a girl?"  
  
He looks back at her surprised, "How'd you know?"  
  
"There's always a girl." She says knowingly.  
  
"Yeah there was a girl. The first one that ever really cared about . . . well the first that cared." He could see her blueberry blue eyes caught in the corner of his mind.  
  
"And you let her go did you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Any regrets?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good for you. You can't live your life with regrets, that's what I always say." She shakes her head again and runs a red claw through her scorched hair.  
  
"You have a lot to say about life don't you?" He says holding back a laugh.  
  
"Don't you forget it." She stuffs the magazine back into her purse. "So why are you goin' back sugar?"  
  
He doesn't want to answer this question, it was still too painful, too fresh. "Same reason you did."  
  
Her face lights up, he notices how her smile reaches her eyes. "Congratulations!"  
  
He waves her off with a hand, "Don't get excited too fast. It was the reason, but not anymore."  
  
The lights turns out in her eyes, "Oh no."  
  
"Happened nearly six months ago. But I figured I'd go anyway, keep one of my promises."  
  
"She wasn't worth your time anyway." She says haughtily.  
  
"But she was." He rubs his temples, "And she loved me. I know it"  
  
There was a small pause, and then "But ya didn't love her back."  
  
"That's what she told me when she returned the ring." He tries to wave it off with a nonchalant shrug but fails. "I think I did- still do."  
  
"Hmm." Is all she says as she settles back in her seat.  
  
He narrows his eyebrows, "What's that 'hmm' for?"  
  
"A woman always knows if their man's in love. That is, when they have a mind enough to look."  
  
"Where do you come off telling me this?" He says suddenly angry.  
  
"I'm just tellin' ya what I know." She says not phased by him at all.  
  
"Then why does it hurt so much?" He asks softer this time.  
  
She pats his hand sympathetically, "It always hurts sugar. But you'll know love when you find it, it'll slap ya in the face."  
  
Leaning back against the hard bus seat he thinks about her words. He thinks about Sidda and how much he wanted her for his wife. But does he love her? His mind says 'of course, what do you think love is anyway?', his heart is mute. He never knows his heart. Maybe it's because he's never been loved before this.  
  
After Sidda he never wanted to be in a relationship again. Still feels the same way. It's only now that he's finally letting her go, but sometimes he still calls her house to hear her voice, the "hello?" at the other end. Relationships aren't worth it if it always hurts this much. He could, and would make it on his own from here, he didn't need anybody but himself.  
  
He stifles a chuckle, he sounds like a teenager. That had pretty much been his motto when he was younger, "nobody but yourself." But he learned a few things from the nearly four years spent in California.  
  
The bus comes to a bumpy halt that causes him to grip the seat in front of him.  
  
The woman beside him says, "Well, this is my stop sugar." She sticks out a chubby hand, "It was nice meeting you."  
  
He smiles and puts his hand in hers, "Likewise. Thanks for letting me tell you my life story."  
  
"No problem darlin'," she winks at him and shakes his hand. "Oh and by the way, my name's Thelma."  
  
"Jess Mariano." Their hands separate.  
  
Thelma shouts her goodbye as she trundles off the bus, "Good luck with that girl!"  
  
And as the bus surges forward, Jess wonders which girl she meant.  
  
More to come! Review Please. 


	2. Color Me Crimson

I am so sorry I haven't updated in so long!!! I haven't been able to get onto the internet for the past two weeks. I'm using a friend's laptop to update this chapter finally so I hope you like it! And thank you to everyone who has reviewed!!  
  
.  
  
Don' you draw the queen of diamonds, boy  
  
She'll beat you if she's able  
  
You know the queen of heats is always your best bet  
  
.  
  
Color Me Crimson  
  
I wake up to the sun shining in my face, and I squint against it. My old room smiles back at me in its friendly manner. Mom had surprised me with this the first night I came back. I hadn't known the extension at the back of the house had already been finished, equipped with two rooms made for two little boys with smiling faces. She had even put all of my old things back in it. It feels really good to be home.  
  
For the first time in years I am truly happy to be here.  
  
Voices filter through the kitchen into my room. I can hear Luke, most likely talking to Mom, in a hushed voice as to not wake me up. But I am already awake.  
  
I stretch myself far across the bed, my toes pointed and reaching for the bottom, my hands touching the bed board. I yawn.  
  
My clock reads 7:30, I frown. What is Mom doing up this early? Very uncharacteristic of her. Unless Luke enjoys talking to himself.  
  
I listen closely to the sounds coming from outside my room, I catch the sounds of early morning cartoons. Mathew and Tyler are up too.  
  
I can still remember when they were born, four and a half years ago. Mom and Luke had been married a total of four months the day they were born. I've never seen Luke so incredibly happy or surprised, except maybe for their wedding day. I'm so glad they found each other.  
  
I snuggle again under my covers and fall into a light morning sleep, coming in and out of random thoughts.  
  
The next time I wake up it is 8:00. I yawn again and roll over in bed. Voices didn't make me up this time, coffee did. Its sweet aroma is wafting into my room, teasing me with its acute smell. No way am I staying in bed while coffee awaits. If only I could wake up to this everyday.  
  
Yawning and stretching once again I open my door, my gaze falls first on the coffee pot. Blinking my eyes against the light in the kitchen I make a bee line for it, and I vaguely hear Luke telling me "good morning."  
  
I reply with a "mmm" and a wave as I pour the elixir of life into a large mug. The first gulp is hot and refreshing, it clears my head and the room around me.  
  
Luke is clearing his throat, "Rory."  
  
I'm taking another sip of coffee when I turn around and see him sitting there. What the fu-the sweet taste that was once in my mouth is sprayed across the room landing on the floor, the kitchen, Luke, him, and my favorite pajamas covered in baby ducks. Baby ducks????!!! I'm wearing little girl pajamas in front of a guy that I haven't seen in six years- the guy that left without a goodbye!  
  
Luke is staring flabbergasted down at his coffee soaked flannel shirt.  
  
Jess is gazing at me with the most bemused expression on his face.  
  
I just sprayed my ex boyfriend whom I haven't seen in years with my spit mixed in coffee. Holy shit.  
  
Mother of God. Shit bucket. God damn it.  
  
I am so moronic it makes me sick.  
  
And than I am laughing. Clutching my stomach laughing. I can't help it. I swear if I don't stop soon I'll be snorting. I cover my mouth with my hand trying to stop the giggles that are erupting from my mouth. Oh God, my stomach hurts! I know that my face is on fire but the laughing continues.  
  
And then I hear my Mom's voice, "What's going on?"  
  
"I sprayed . . ."giggles, " . . .them with . . ." more giggles, "coffee." I say putting my cup down on the counter. Why can't I stop?  
  
Mom takes one look at me clad in my duck pajamas and then at the man and the boy clad in coffee. She begins laughing too. We're holding on to each other laughing so hard. I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, I just can't help it.  
  
"This . . ." Mom says between giggles, "could only happen . . . to a Gilmore."  
  
"Okay, okay." I say letting go of her, trying to control myself. I know that part of these giggles are from nervousness and embarrassment, but the situation is funny all the same. I take a deep breath to calm myself and look around the room.  
  
Luke is desperately trying to wipe the coffee off his flannel shirt, I can hear him muttering under his breath, something about how it's the last time he'll be nice and make coffee in the morning. And Jess is still staring at me, I feel my cheeks growing redder by the moment. Of course I had to be wearing duck pajamas this morning! Of course!  
  
I glance at my mother and notice that she's wearing her cake pajamas. I feel a little better. But not much.  
  
"Sorry about that." I say turning my attention back to Luke and Jess. "I, ugh, lost myself for a moment there."  
  
Luke is muttering again and Jess gives me his familiar trademark smirk. It sends tingles down my spine.  
  
Wait, tingles?  
  
"Obviously." Mom says as she pours herself a cup of coffee. There's still a trace of laughter left on her lips.  
  
I pick up my mug and take another sip, "Is it Sunday already?" I ask confused. I had already been here on week? It felt like two hours.  
  
Mom snorts, "You got up too early this morning chicka dee."  
  
"Look who's talking Ms. Cupcake." I say back. "Besides I can't sleep when I can smell coffee right outside my room."  
  
Mom turns and narrows her eyes at Luke, "Yeah, what were you doing making coffee this early in the morning? Waking us up from our beauty sleep!"  
  
Luke makes an angry grunting sound, mutters something that sounds like "women!" and stalks from the room sending Mom and I into more giggles.  
  
"That was my fault Lorelai, I just got in."  
  
I am taken aback by his voice, it's so familiar yet so foreign. It's deeper now. It takes me a moment to realize that it's a mans voice.  
  
"Jess Mariano." Mom says with her eyebrows raised, "How have you been?"  
  
"Not bad." He stands up to offer he a hand. "And yourself?"  
  
"Spectacular!" Mom is staring at his hand, I know she's contemplating on whether or not to take it. She finally does and says, "I see you've grown up."  
  
Jess shrugs, "It happens."  
  
I am hoping with all my might that he won't have to look at me or even have to say anything to me. Don't look. Don't look. Keep talking to Mom. I begin to edge away from the kitchen. I'm about to call out to the twins when his gaze falls on mine and jars my entire body.  
  
God damn it, it's like I'm seventeen again or something.  
  
"Rory Gilmore, long time no see."  
  
"Yeah." I say casually. Whose fault is that, Mr. Suave? I glance toward the exit and back to him. Are his eyes darker than they used to be or am I going crazy?  
  
"How are you?" he asks quietly still holding my gaze with his.  
  
"I've had better mornings." I offer a small smile. Yes, they are definitely darker than last time, and deeper. That one curl still touches his forehead just so. I have a sudden urge to reach up and brush it aside.  
  
He grins and does nothing but stare at me. "You look different."  
  
I notice Mom has left the kitchen and is most likely busying herself with the twins. Damn her for leaving me like this! "Yeah, well six years can do that." I take another sip of my coffee to keep myself from drowning in his eyes. "You're taller." I say.  
  
"Grew an inch when I hit nineteen." He says. "Finally."  
  
"That's nice." Could this get anymore awkward?  
  
"I thought you'd be married by now with 1.5 kids."  
  
I take that back, it just got worse, he just hit a very sore spot. "And I thought you'd be unemployed." I say scathingly. I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth.  
  
He nods as and looks away from me, "Yeah, okay." I can see the hurt etched out on his eyes, but his face remains passive. He leaves the kitchen and in minutes I can hear Mom introducing him to the twins.  
  
I am such a moronic idiot.  
  
***  
  
Luke had tried to warn her, he really had. But there's no stopping a Gilmore when they've spotted coffee. He can still picture Jess' face as Rory walked through the door still half asleep heading to the coffee. Jess' gaze hadn't even faltered even when coffee was sprayed all over him.  
  
Luke replaces his shirt with another, one that looks nearly exactly the same. He stifles a chuckle, the whole thing had been pretty funny. The look on Rory's face when she turned around. Luke grins and wonders what will happen between those two.  
  
It had been a shock to see Jess again this morning when he arrived at 7:00. A shock to see that he had actually grown into a man, a man that had a life worth living for. Six years ago if someone had told Luke that Jess would someday run a successful business he would have laughed in their face. Well, Jess proved him wrong.  
  
And for the first time in Luke's life he is proud of his nephew.  
  
He walks back down the stairs in his new flannel shirt. He sees Jess playing with Mathew and Tyler, Lorelai sits on the couch idly sipping her coffee. He wonders where Rory is.  
  
"You ready Jess?" He asks as he reaches the bottom step.  
  
Jess looks up in the middle of swinging Tyler upside down. "What?" He says confused, a grin plastered across his face. "Oh yeah." And he swings Tyler upright.  
  
Both of the boys are giggling hysterically around him. Mathew runs up to Luke and says, "Did you know we're cousins with Jess?"  
  
Luke ruffles his hair, "I did."  
  
"Where ya going?" Lorelai asks as she walks over to Luke and kisses him softly on the cheek.  
  
"Work."  
  
"Why does Jess have to come with you?" She asks surprised. "You're going to make him work? Slave driver!"  
  
"No, we're putting his stuff in the apartment, he'll stay there while he visits." He looks around, "We don't exactly have room here do we?"  
  
Ten minutes later Luke and Jess are on their way to the dinner. Jess has a duffel bag thrown carelessly over his shoulder as they trod along.  
  
Luke stares ahead listening to the dead leaves crunch beneath his feet. "The town is gunna go nutz when they find out you're here."  
  
"Who wouldn't?" Jess asks with a smirk.  
  
Luke grunts and says, "How'd it go with Rory?"  
  
"Not so good." Jess' eyes are downcast. "It was expected. I wasn't exactly boyfriend material back then."  
  
"She'll get over it." Luke says firmly. "They always do."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me she was going to be here?" Jess asks in an almost accusing voice.  
  
Luke shrugs, "She came kind of unexpectedly. We rarely see Rory any more, so Lorelai always jumps at the chance of her visiting."  
  
"You don't see her much?"  
  
"Naw, she's working hard with her new job. I'm surprised you haven't seen her at all, she lives in the city too."  
  
Jess nearly laughs out loud, "It's a big city Luke."  
  
"I guess so."  
  
They've reached the dinner and Luke unlocks the door. Jess breaths in the familiar sent of the dinner as he walks through the entryway. It feels good to be back.  
  
He surveys his surroundings, "Looks the same."  
  
"Yeah." Luke says flicking on one of the lights. "Hasn't changed much."  
  
"Those are new." Jess leans over the counter looking at the pictures framed on the wall. They're from all different occasions. Luke and Lorelai on their wedding say, both looking infectiously happy. Two tiny babies. Two babies again. Twin toddlers smiling at the camera. Mathew and Tyler riding bikes with training wheels. Rory graduating from college. Jess' eyes linger on the last picture for a moment before turning away.  
  
"Mathew and Tyler are great."  
  
Luke immediately grins at the sound of their names and swells with pride. "Yeah, they are aren't they?"  
  
"You happy?" Jess asks.  
  
"Happiest I've ever been."  
  
Jess nods and says, "I can tell."  
  
"Let's bring your stuff up." Luke says gruffly leading the way up the stairs. He can't let it get too sentimental.  
  
Later on Jess is standing alone in the apartment. It's even smaller than he remembers, and very dismal now that Luke has moved out. There is no furniture but a bed, a table and a chair; the walls are empty with only shadows of past hangings. He is only staying for a week, it's not as though it matters; but he feels sad all the same.  
  
Jess sits on the edge of the bed and takes in his surroundings. Breathing in memories that for a long time he was sure he had forgotten. He can distinctly remember eating silent dinners at that table in the middle of the apartment, there had always been an occasional sarcastic comment or grunt, but mostly they were silent. The only sound that could ever be heard was the chink of forks against planks and food being chewed. Only now does he realize that this silence was never uncomfortable.  
  
Over there he had charred the floor with a forgotten cigarette, the mark was still there. He had hid some girl in that closet. He had stored his precious books on those shelves. He had kissed Rory over there where the couch used to be. And he had stared out that window nearly every night wishing desperately for what he didn't have.  
  
And than it hits him. Something he hasn't been able to figure for years. This had been his home. The only home he ever truly known growing up. Jess finds that he liked it here too.  
  
He is sorrowful because what is left of his past home is a chair, a table, and a bed.  
  
***  
  
"So what's on the agenda for today?" I ask Mom as we set off for the dinner with the boys in tow.  
  
"Not much, but there is a town meeting tomorrow night." She says.  
  
My face immediately breaks into a grin, "I am so there. God, I haven't been to a town meeting in I don't know how long."  
  
"Yeah, you've missed out on a lot too. Taylor and Babbette have been in a fight ever since the last meeting when Taylor tried to outlaw gnomes."  
  
"What?!" I say shocked. "But he can't do that! Not to Babbette!"  
  
"Well, he tried. Apparently he's had this childhood fear of them that's never left him. Babbette won't even look at him now." Mom says letting out a giggle. "She and Ms. Patty are boycotting Doose's, they tried to get me in too, but I'm not about to go all the way out to Hartford just for vegetables."  
  
"Mom, you don't eat vegetables anyway," I say.  
  
Mom rolls her eyes, "Yeah but Luke does. And he makes me pick them up for him whenever I go. It's ruining my reputation and my little boys. Look what he's done to them . . ." She calls out to Mathew and Tyler who are gallivanting in front of us and says, "Hey you two, what's you're favorite vegetable?"  
  
"Carrots!" They both shout at the same time.  
  
Mom shakes her head in a sad way, "It's just so disappointing. If it had been you at their age you would have said, 'ice cream'!"  
  
I laugh, "I don't think I even knew what vegetables were back then."  
  
"The nearest you came to veggies were the pickles on your cheeseburger."  
  
"Mm, I think I might have one of those today." That is if I can stand to be around him at all. I have a book in my purse just in case I want to sneak off somewhere to read.  
  
Five minutes later we reach the dinner, Tyler is riding on my back while Mathew is on Mom's. "Ugh," I say. "I'm going to collapse!" I pretend to pant and I drag my feet ever slower. "Oh my gosh! I'm going to drop you!"  
  
Tyler laughs behind me, "No you won't Rory!"  
  
I am trudging up the stairs now, "You're so heavy." I am still breathing heavily and my hand trembles as I reach for the door. "I don't . . .know if I . . . can make it."  
  
"Hold on tight! Hold on tight Rory!" Tyler screams as I let my hand slip from behind me. "Don't let go!"  
  
"Tyler you're so heavy!" I am in the dinner now. "I can't hold you anymore!" I smile, holding back my laughs.  
  
And then Tyler is lifted off my back in such a way that surprises me. I whip around to see Jess holding Tyler, both of them grinning.  
  
"Jess saved me!" Tyler says.  
  
"Oh thank the lawd!" I say putting a hand up to my brow and collapsing into a chair. "You arrived just in time!"  
  
Tyler scrambles out of his arms and goes to open the door from Mom and Mathew. "Rory almost dropped me!" He says proudly, "But I held on tight."  
  
I grin and roll my eyes, they land on Jess. He is no longer grinning, but is staring at me in such a way that I have to avert my gaze. I can feel the tips of my fingers tingling. I wonder if he is still mad. Probably, I mean I wasn't very nice to him. And then I chide myself- it's not as though he deserves kindness.  
  
Right?  
  
The boys and Mom join me at the table. Mom stares up at Jess and says, "Are you going to take our order or not?"  
  
I kick her under the table, "Mom he doesn't work here anymore." I hiss.  
  
But Jess just laughs, "I will for old times sake."  
  
Mom sticks her tongue out at me and then laughs. "He has to get on my good side, remember?" She whispers as he leaves.  
  
"No he doesn't! It's not like he lives around here anymore."  
  
Mom simply smiles at me in her secretive way and shakes her head.  
  
"So what would you like?" Jess has returned equipped with a pad of paper and a pen.  
  
"Chicken fingers and milk." Tyler and Mathew say together.  
  
Mom rolls her eyes and says to me, "See what I mean! They order milk!" She turns to Jess and says, "Rory and I will both have cheeseburgers, extra fires, and coffee."  
  
"Hey!" I say indignantly. "I can order for myself."  
  
Mom shrugs, "Go ahead then."  
  
I turn to Jess and say, "I'll have a cheeseburger and a cup of coffee please."  
  
"Extra fries?"  
  
"Yes please."  
  
"Alright, I'll be back."  
  
God he has a gorgeous smile. How could I have forgotten that smile?! I stare at his retreating back. Nice ass too.  
  
I turn back to the table and Mom is grinning at me. "What?" I say.  
  
"I saw that."  
  
"Saw what?"  
  
"You were checking him out!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Were too!"  
  
"Was not!"  
  
"Were too!"  
  
Tyler nods seriously, "You were Rory."  
  
Mathew shakes his head, "No she wasn't."  
  
"Yes she was!" Tyler says angrily.  
  
"See, Tyler agrees."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well, Mathew doesn't."  
  
"Yeaaaah!"  
  
"Nut ugh!"  
  
"Yuuu huh!"  
  
"Here's two milks." Jess is back again, he puts a milk in front of Mathew and than Tyler.  
  
"Nut ugh!"  
  
"They'll fight over anything when they're in the mood." Mom says yawning.  
  
"Yu huh!"  
  
"And two coffees."  
  
I watch as he places a coffee in front of me. His hands are tan and worn, I wonder what they would feel like against my cheek. Stop it Rory! Just stop it!  
  
"NUT UGH!"  
  
"YU HUH!"  
  
"Boys!"  
  
"Hey, now, what's all this fighting about?"  
  
"Rory WAS chucking you out Jess." Tyler pipes up, not even knowing what he is saying. He is pointing at me.  
  
My life is destroyed. Someone please shoot me now.  
  
"No she wasn't!"  
  
"Mathew! Tyler! You better stop right now! And no pointing Tyler, it's not nice. Right? Pointing's not nice?"  
  
"I guess not." Jess says but he is looking at me. I can feel it. I bet he's smirking too.  
  
Oh my God. Oh my God. I can feel my entire face burning. My life is over.  
  
"You were fighting too Mommy!"  
  
"But I stopped babe."  
  
Mom is trying desperately to calm the situation but I can see her holding back a smile.  
  
I want to run out of the dinner at top speed. But I can't, so I take a sip of my coffee, letting my hair fall around my crimson face.  
  
"That's okay, I get checked out a lot Tyler."  
  
Can't he just go away? Does he have to make my embarrassment even worse?  
  
"It's hard for women to escape my woes and Rory is no exception."  
  
I snort into my coffee, "Right." I look up to see Jess staring at me with the biggest smirk I've ever seen. I should be irritated, but instead I smile. I swear to God I am going psychotic.  
  
"What's a woe?"  
  
"Yeah, and what's chuck, er, checked out?"  
  
I finally look away from him by taking another sip of my scalding hot coffee. My face is still on fire, even more so from staring at him for so long. I really don't want to feel like I'm eighteen again, but I do. That's twice I have been mortally embarrassed in front of him today. Will it never end?  
  
That's all for now!! Hopefully I will be able to update soon again on my friends computer, but if I can't it will probably be awhile until the next update. And please review!!!!!!!!!! ~Kay 


	3. Restless Constellations

Thanks to all that have reviewed!!! I am forever in your debt. Here's the next chapter, enjoy . . .  
  
.  
  
Now it seems to me, some fine things  
  
Have been laid upon your table  
  
But you only want the ones that you can't get  
  
.  
  
Restless Constellations  
  
A beam of moonlight reflects his disheveled hair, his small chest lifts and then slowly falls. Lorelai watches from the doorway with a smile on her face. She would be content to simply stand here for hours and watch her little boy sleep.  
  
After a moment she makes her way back to her room. Inside Luke is already in bed reading the Stars Hollow Gazette.  
  
"Aren't you supposed to read that in the morning?" She asks with her eyebrows raised.  
  
Luke looks up at her and than back down, "I didn't really have time."  
  
"Anything interesting?" She opens a drawer and takes out a pair of pajamas.  
  
"Taylor wrote another article about banning gnomes."  
  
"Oh yeah, I heard Babbette talking about that this morning." Lorelai laughs and pulls on the pajamas. "She was getting all red in the face, talking about starting a union for gnomes or something."  
  
Luke snorts, "And I'm sure you'll join up."  
  
"I've already been made secretary, although I tried to warn Babbette about my abominable hand writing." Lorelai jumps into bed and leans over Luke's shoulder. "Oh look! Fall Festivities start next week! I can't wait to make my pumpkin!" Lorelai claps her hands together giddily.  
  
"This time just make sure you pick out an easy design. Not Audrey Hepburn's head."  
  
"Hey! I got the huge sunglasses down."  
  
"Yeah, that's why it ended up looking like a very sick owl."  
  
Lorelai grins, "And no one ever knew it was supposed to be Audrey. So it all worked out for the best!"  
  
Luke and chuckles and kisses her. He pulls away and says, "Hey, aren't those the pajamas Rory was wearing this morning?"  
  
Lorelai looks down at the baby duck pajamas she is wearing. She smiles, "Yeah, we have matching outfits. We bought them together nearly six years ago for a slumber party."  
  
"A slumber party?"  
  
"Yup, there was this one Friday night we didn't have to go to my mother's house for dinner so we decided to celebrate. We watched Mel Gibson movies the whole night and drooled all over the screen. We had to wash it the next morning."  
  
"I'm sure you did."  
  
Lorelai leans back against the pillows. "That was the funniest sight this morning; walking into the kitchen finding you and Jess covered in coffee spit." Lorelai shakes her head, "I never have a camera when I need one. It really is a pity."  
  
"Easy for you to say. You weren't covered in coffee."  
  
But Lorelai isn't listening to Luke, she is staring off into space with a thoughtful expression. Luke simply returns to his newspaper and reads on.  
  
"Is Jess still single?" Lorelai asks suddenly five minutes later.  
  
Luke looks up, nonplussed. "Ugh, I'm not sure. It didn't sound as though he was the last time he called. But that was nearly six months ago so who knows. I've only had emails since then." Luke shrugs. "He was coming down to tell me something but hasn't yet." He flips to the next page of the newspaper.  
  
"Oh." Lorelai says.  
  
"What is it?" Luke stares at her.  
  
She shrugs, "I don't know. Just seemed like they were looking at each other a lot today."  
  
"Yeah, I guess."  
  
"Rory certainly was." Lorelai grins wickedly and her eyes laugh.  
  
"Huh," says Luke, already immersed in his newspaper again.  
  
Lorelai is once again lost in a reverie when a sound below makes her jump. "Did you hear that?" She asks looking around.  
  
"No." Luke's eyes don't even move from the paper. "Kirk's opening a hot cider stand next week." He chuckles to himself.  
  
Lorelai narrows her eyes at him, "Ya know, if a burglar came tramping into this house you wouldn't hear a god damn thing." She shakes her head when he doesn't answer and jumps out of bed. She goes to the window and stares out into the inky darkness. She leans against a cold pane of glass cupping her hands around her eyes, and gasps.  
  
A lone figure is walking away from the house wearing bright orange pajamas. Lorelai nearly giggles as she stumbles along in the dark. She would know those pajamas anywhere, she had bought them for her only daughter to celebrate construction day on her and Sookie's inn. Plus who could miss those entertaining words on the ass?  
  
But what the hell was Rory doing taking a walk at midnight in bright orange pajamas?  
  
***  
  
I really need to listen to Luke more often and stop taking my mother's advice. Having a cup of coffee right before you go to bed does not put you to sleep.  
  
Laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, I realize how much I am already dreading my return to New York. I didn't want to come here in the first place but now I don't want to leave. I haven't smiled so much in months. I wish I could call Kylie just to talk, but it's nearly midnight and she's probably not even home yet. Out clubbing without me. Not that I am much for clubs, I would rather stay at home with a good book and a steaming cup of coffee. Kylie calls it antisocial; I call it common sense.  
  
I am also dreading tomorrow when I will have to see him again. And make a fool of myself again. I am already expecting it.  
  
My feet kick out against the blanket, frustration courses through my entire body. I hate not being able to fall asleep! I sigh heavily and roll over onto my stomach. Ten years ago I would have crept up the stairs to Mom's room and fallen asleep right away to her familiar heart beat. But I am not a child anymore, and there isn't room for three.  
  
After another twenty minutes of failed attempts in falling asleep and useless thoughts, I throw back the covers and stumble out of bed. What I need is some fresh air. I throw on my winter coat and an old pair of sneakers on my way to the window.  
  
One of my legs is thrown over the threshold when my arms flies out and knocks over a pile of books that were thrown carelessly on my desk. I let out a mumbled curse and push myself through the rest of the window. Breathing deeply I can taste the air. It is a mixture of spices; leaves falling to the ground lifeless and scarlet, and the smell of a sharp wind mingled with a dying summer for a crackling fall.  
  
The moment is completely ruined when I trip over a rock on the ground and stumble slightly. "Sugar," I mutter to the stillness that surrounds me. It has been ages since I've taken a midnight stroll through Stars Hollow; they used to be accompanied by either my mom or Lane, but tonight it will just be me and my thoughts.  
  
I should have brought a book with me. The moon shines so brightly over head that I can almost believe that a man lives in its silver dusted craters, lighting his own lamp for bed time reading.  
  
Leaves brush the top of my hair as I glide under them, my feet rustle with the dead leaves below and I feel completely free. I hug my arms closer to myself; the air is frigid, but it clears and sharpens my senses. I feel so entirely alone, yet I am content with myself, finally comfortable with my thoughts.  
  
Tonight my thoughts are reckless. Maybe it's the shining silver moon, or the light wind pouring and pouncing through my hair, or perhaps it's the magic of the night; my mind turns to romance. I am remembering all my past beaus; the good and the bad.  
  
Connor with his dashing looks and overly large ego; he was my first boyfriend out of high school, he lasted a whole two months. Todd was cute but way too into his studies, even more so than I was- which is saying a lot. And of course Tristan DuGrey; we went out for about three months my last year at Yale, but decided we would be better off as friends. And we still are.  
  
The others flash through my mind with typical conversations, long boring dinners, and the 'it's just not working out' phone call. And then suddenly I smile remembering Dean's easy grin and the way his eyes lit up whenever he saw me. I wonder if he is still with Lindsay and how they are. I will have to ask Mom about them tomorrow.  
  
My feet vibrate against the wood below me, I find myself walking across the bridge. The moon reflects across the water in bright rays of dusky silver light. It's beautiful, my breath catches in my throat and my heart beats a little faster. And now I remember Jess, our first kiss was right around here.  
  
As I walk a little faster away from the bridge, finding its beauty somewhat overpowering, I can't figure out which category he fits in- good or bad? I always enjoyed our intelligent and fun conversations, sharing my interests with him and the way he would never laugh or raise his eyebrows. His touch. I don't think I could ever forget his touch- the way it sent sharp pinpricks up my spine and finger tips, how I would lay awake at night missing him and the way he splayed his fingers across my skin.  
  
But my eyebrows narrow now, thinking of the way he mistreated me. Never calling, leaving me at home to wait for him, the way his jealousy over Dean was always in the way of our relationship. That one night at the party. And more than anything the way he left. I don't think any other boyfriend has captured my attention or treated me like shit more than Jess did.  
  
I am surprised to be thinking of this, I haven't since the summer before Yale. I put it out of my mind then and never thought of it since. I guess his sudden appearance has caused me to conjure up these images and emotions once again. Not that I really care anyway, it's all in the past now. Over and done with.  
  
I find myself in the middle of town now by the gazebo and its stillness beckons me, never have I found Stars Hollow so quiet. There are no gossipy neighbors stopping in the street to whisper rumors, no slightly pudgy men having a tantrum over a piece of food on the sidewalk; it is only me, and I like it.  
  
My ex-boyfriends are forgotten once again as the power of the stars takes me breath away. I can finally appreciate the name of this town tonight. I crane my neck and set my eyes to the sky. They're never this bright in the city. Here I can even make out the big dipper, the small dipper and of course, the north star. I wish I knew other constellations so I could trace them with my fingers and whisper them softly to myself. But the stars are just as bright nameless.  
  
There is a crick in my neck but I cannot take my eyes away, this is a treat never given to me in New York. Looking around first, I slowly lower myself to the ground and lay back. Much better- I feel as though I can see the entire sky from here, every last bit of it.  
  
I put my hands beneath my head, the coffee is ebbing away from my system, and I can feel my eyes beginning to droop. I cannot fall asleep here, I really can't. I widen my eyes as to stay awake, I wish to linger here awhile longer. I imagine Kirk finding me here fast asleep in the morning, calling 9-11, performing CPR . . .Stay awake, stay awake . . . Ohh, but they feel so heavy . . .  
  
"You can see them so much clearer from here, can't you?"  
  
A voice from behind me sends shock waves through my nervous system, I jolt upwards into a sitting position and turn around. Jess. More shock waves travel down my arms and into my finger tips. "What . . .What are you doing here?" I ask finally finding my voice. I shiver at the after math of my nervous system. I can still feel its tremors. My eyes are wide open now.  
  
He shrugs, looking down at me, "I couldn't sleep. Too many memories."  
  
I smile a little, "Me too. Good or bad?"  
  
He stares hard at me. "Mostly good."  
  
I can't keep his gaze. I instead turn away to look back up at the stars. "Do you know any?" I ask softly.  
  
He seems to understand because he stares up with me and says, "A few."  
  
"Will you show them to me?" I ask keeping my gaze on the endless blue above me, I lay back down to find an even better view.  
  
I hear him slowly settle down beside me, his head close to mine. "You can't see much without a telescope, but I can try." He reaches for my hand, I nearly jerk it back but realize that he is using it to point out the stars to me.  
  
He moves my hand to the right and points both of our index fingers. "That is Aquarius, it is part of the Zodiac. It's very faint, but if you really look at it many people think it is a man pouring water from a bucket." Our fingers trace stars millions of years already gone.  
  
His hands feel exactly as I thought they would, soft yet worn.  
  
He moves my hand to a different cluster of stars, "This is Cepheus."  
  
"Greek mythology." I whisper, still enthralled by his touch.  
  
"Yes." He answers and moves my hand to another spot in the sky. "This is Pegasus. Do you know his story?"  
  
An image of lightening bolts accompanies his name but nothing else. "Tell me."  
  
"Pegasus was the daughter of Medusa but was brought to Mount Helicon. There he kicked out once with his hoof into the ground and from the ground sprung the spring of Hippocrene. It is the inspiration of poets."  
  
His breath is so very close to me. It catches in my hair and slips down over my face and onto my lips and my own breath catches.  
  
"Pegasus went on to become the 'Thundering Horse of Jove', he carried lightening bolts for Zeus." He moves my hand to a different spot, "Here is Sirius, the brightest star in the sky after the sun. Its name means 'scorching'."  
  
He lowers his hand and mine to the ground between us, but does not let go. I try to ignore the feeling of his hand against mine, or the closeness of his body, or the sound of his voice soft and husky recalling legends of old, but I cannot. I am already imaging and remembering the feel of his lips against mine, his fingertips pressed into my back, and his breath fiery and short against my own.  
  
But I reminisce the image of his back as he walks away from me. I can't let him do this to me, not again.  
  
I sit up quickly and pull my hand away, the moment is gone and my senses have returned. I blame my momentary lack of judgement on the stars and the magic of the night. To avoid discomfort I ask, "Where did you learn all that?"  
  
Jess places his hands beneath his head as though nothing at all had just happened between us. "Night classes at the community college in California."  
  
"You went to college?" I ask.  
  
"You're surprised?" He says with his eyebrows raised, his gaze bores into mine.  
  
I hold it, "No."  
  
"Really?" He sits up with me.  
  
I can smell his aroma of mixed spices. "Jess I always knew you were smart. I was just waiting for you to grow up and figure it out."  
  
He nods and now he is the one to look away first. "That's fair. You knew me better back then than I knew myself."  
  
I am genuinely surprised at this statement. "I didn't." I say.  
  
He shakes his head slightly, "You did."  
  
I contemplate his statement. I knew him well of course, better than any other, but more than he did? Is that even possible? But again I think of his retreating back. "I didn't." I say again more firmly. "I never knew you." My voice is bitter with hurtful memories.  
  
"If that's what you think."  
  
Now I feel anger coursing through my veins. My heart pumps faster with frustration, what did he know anyway? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I never thought he would walk out on me like that, but he did.  
  
Before I can spit out a nasty retort he says very softly, "I'm sorry."  
  
The insult catches in my throat, and I swallow it back down. I look away from him, towards the shops of Stars Hollow which are now dark with emptiness. I've wanted to hear that for a long time now, I've deserved it. "It was a long time ago."  
  
Jess shifts to look at me closer, "Not so long."  
  
I pull small blades of grass from the earth. "I meant it you know." I pull out another fistful, suddenly feeling the urge to throw it in his face. "I got over you. It's not as though I hung around waiting for you to come back moping and crying."  
  
"I know that." He says and his voice sounds strangely sad.  
  
"It's not like you destroyed my life."  
  
"I just wanted to tell you."  
  
"Okay." I say, unsure of what else he wants me to tell him.  
  
"I was a stupid kid back then, I thought I knew everything." His voice is full of frustration. "I know better now."  
  
Now I am looking at his straight on, I need to know this one thing. "Do you regret it?"  
  
Jess stares back at me with his familiar brown eyes, "No."  
  
I am almost hurt by his statement. Almost.  
  
"I finally figured out who I was in California."  
  
"I'm glad." I say and mean it.  
  
"Me too."  
  
I blink my eyes suddenly realizing that I am tired, I try to stifle a yawn but Jess notices.  
  
He stands up and offers me a hand, "Come on, I'll walk you home."  
  
Grateful, I take his hand pull and myself off the ground. But I let go quickly and say, "That's okay, I know my way."  
  
As though he hasn't heard a word I said he falls in step beside me. "There's shady characters in this neighborhood, I don't trust it."  
  
I laugh, "Remember, we're in Stars Hollow now, not the city."  
  
"I was specifically thinking of Taylor."  
  
I grin, "I saw that he accosted you today at Luke's."  
  
I am walking in front of him when he says, "I really like those pajamas."  
  
I turn around to see him with the biggest grin on his face. I look down and blush, I'm wearing my bright orange ones. I say, "Well, at least I won't get hit by a car."  
  
He shakes his head, "The color is shocking. But it's not my favorite part."  
  
And now the color on my face deepens to a rose red when I remember what is imprinted on my bottom in black lettering, it was half the reason she bought these for me in the first place. 'Joe Mama'. "My mom." I mumble in embarrassment.  
  
"You mean 'Joe mama'?" He asks and laughs. I laugh too.  
  
From there we fall into a deep, easy conversation free of bitterness and old memories. When we reach my driveway I am almost sad that he must leave.  
  
"By the way," he says as we walk towards my door whispering now, "I don't mind you 'chucking' me out."  
  
"Oh, now I feel much better!" I say, and grin.  
  
He laughs lightly and stops at the steps of my porch. "Here we are."  
  
"Yes, " I say suddenly feeling like a teenager at the end of a date. "Thank you for walking me home."  
  
"No problem." He grins, "I hope to see you again this time tomorrow night."  
  
I smile, "Goodnight."  
  
"Goodnight."  
  
I turn and walk up the front steps and am about to open the front door when his voice stops me.  
  
"Did you really mean all of it?" He asks. His voice penetrates into my heart, it is hopeful and afraid and sadly eager.  
  
I look around at him slowly, "Did I mean what?" I say softly, but I already understand.  
  
"The phone call," he says almost hoarsely, "did you mean all of it?"  
  
I stare at him, his expectant face is almost painful to look at and his eyes gaze longingly into mine. Against my better judgement, the words slip from my mouth like melted butter, "Every word."  
  
He nods his head, blinking his eyes. "Okay." He says.  
  
"Goodnight." I say again.  
  
Once inside the house I shut the door softly and hear its click. With this simple click I know that I have started something with Jess that I won't be able to stop.  
  
Sleep escapes me again when I return to bed, but it has nothing to do with coffee.  
  
Horrible? Fantastic? Or just dull? Let me know with a review!!!!!! 


	4. Recipe For A Kiss

Hello again, I'm back with a new chapter. Thanks again to all who have reviewed, I love you! Here's the next chapter, I enjoyed writing this one so much, I do believe it's my favorite. Anyway, I hope you like reading this as much as I loved writing it!!!!!!

__

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger   
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home   
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'   
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

****

Recipe For A Kiss

Tonight the diner is at it's busiest. The dinner crowd is moving through demanding hamburgers, hot dogs, sandwiches and everything else on the menu. Tonight is the monthly town meeting, meaning the diner will be packed until 6:45, and Luke will only have fifteen minutes to close up, clean up and head out to Ms. Patty's. 

Luke rubs his eyes and checks his watch once again, it is only six. Forty five more minutes until he can kick everyone out, his favorite part of the day. 

When Jess comes down from the apartment he finds Luke arguing with Kirk over the exact way in which hot cider should be made and at least five customers commenting on the slow pace of the food. 

"No Kirk, you boil it before the ingredients are put in." Luke says exasperated, holding two plates in each hand laden with food.

"My mother told me differently." Kirk retorts in a dignified manner.

"Whatever, do what you want Kirk." Luke turns away rolling his eyes and almost stumbles into Jess. "Oh, sorry Jess." He skirts around him and lays the plates on the appropriate table. 

Jess grabs a pad of paper and a pen, "I'll help." He tells Luke.

"Jess, no, you really don't have to . . ." Luke trails off realizing that Jess is not listening, he has already gone to a table asking for their order. 

Luke stares at Jess' back flabbergasted. Did Jess just start working without even being asked? Luke shakes his head and goes back to the kitchen to retrieve more food orders. The world has been turned upside down. 

The bell rings signaling new customers and without turning around Luke says, "We're full."

"Not too full for us!" A very familiar voice chirps.

Luke turns around to see Rory, Lorelai and the boys settling themselves at the bar stools, both of the women holding a boy in their lap due to the lack of seats. He grins, "How was the movies?"

"Disney has yet again earned my approval." Lorelai states.

"And mine," says Rory nodding her head.

"Luke! My veggie burger! I need to be to this meeting on time!" Taylor shouts from across the room in his pompous manner. "I am the town magistrate after all." 

Luke scowls, "It's coming Taylor! Hold your tomatoes!"

Rory exchanges a look with Lorelai and they both hold back their giggles. 

Jess meanwhile has noticed Rory's arrival and is staring at her back very avidly while Babbette is unsuccessfully trying to talk him into going out with her niece. His gaze does not go unnoticed but will be whispered to Ms. Patty later on tonight while Taylor rants on about the length of grass, "Couldn't keep his eyes off her for a second. I swear there's something going on between them . . ."

Jess finally realizes that he is being spoken to, "What-what was that?" 

Babbette winks at him, "I'll have a chicken salad sandwich, hon." 

"Right." Jess says and scribbles this down on paper. He turns away still thinking of her face in the moonlight and her hand beneath his. 

The phone rings behind the counter and Luke is there to answer it. "Yeah," he says expectantly into the receiver.

Rory shifts Mathew in her lap, "Does he always answer the phone like that?"

"Oh, yeah. Makes him feel more manly I guess." Lorelai shrugs, "I tried to teach him to say 'talk to me' or 'man with a flannel shirt speaking' but it's never caught on."

"Hmm," Rory says, "wonder why."

"Beats me."

Placing a his pen behind his ear, Jess slides by Luke who is handing the phone to Rory, "It's for you." Luke says irritably.

"Me?" Rory says confused, but her eyes catch with Jess' and she remembers the way his husky voice sounded against her ear and the feel of his hand over hers. She looks away feeling her face flushing and says into the receiver, "Hello?"

As Jess places Babbette's order in the window to the kitchen he listens to Rory's enthusiastic response to the caller on the other end. 

"Tomorrow night?" Rory says from behind him. "Yeah. . . that would be great . . .I know it's been ages since I've seen Dave . . . How's your mom?"

Rory's laugh chimes through the diner causing Jess' heart to beat faster. His mind is working on overload . . .Dave . . .Dave. Who is Dave? And it hits him. He remembers a band in a garage, a party gone wrong, and the way a black haired girl used to look at a boy playing a guitar. Lane and Dave were still together?

His suspicions are confirmed when Rory says, "That was Lane! I'm going down there tomorrow night for dinner, you guys are all invited if you want to come."

"Can't, I have to work the Dragonfly tomorrow night. But I'll send along some homemade cookies."

"Mom, you can't make cookies."

"No, but a certain man in a backwards hat can tomorrow morning."

"Won't have time." Luke says breezing by them with dirty plates in either hand.

"Yes you will."

Luke disappears behind the kitchen door and reappears seconds later with fresh plates covered in food. "I have to be here tomorrow morning."

"Ugh!" Lorelai rolls her eyes and sighs, "Fine we'll just have to make them ourselves. How hard can it be?"

"Mom, two words, chocolate chip pancakes."

"But that was a long time ago! What'd'ya say boys! Wanna make cookies with Mommy and Rory in the morning?"

"Yeah!" The say together, their grins identical. 

Jess is refilling a coffee cup at the end of the counter when Luke says, "Jess can help. I used to have him make cookies all the time."

Lorelai raises her eyebrows, "Are you telling me that you didn't make those chocolate chip cookies six years ago?"

Luke shakes his head, "Naw, that was Jess." He moves away to deliver the plates of food on his arms.

"But those were fantastico!" Lorelai says astounded, "You actually made them?" She looks incredulously at Jess.

He shrugs and refills Lorelai's coffee cup too, "It's not hard."

"Be at my house tomorrow morning no later than nine."

"Nine? You're not going to be up that early."

"Make that ten," Lorelai says looking back at Jess. 

Jess nods his head, "Should I bring the ingredients?"

"No, we have everything."

"We do?" Rory asks, her eyebrows raised. 

"Hey, don't forget that Luke lives with me now. The cabinets are chock full of things I do not understand. Like what's the difference between vegetable oil and cooking oil?"

"Not a clue."

"I'll be there at ten thirty." Jess says over his shoulder as he walks away to take another order.

Lorelai smiles at his back and says thoughtfully, "Maybe he has grown up."

Rory looks down into her coffee. She can see his face when he asked her, "Did you mean all of it?" What was really inside of him? She looks back up at Jess over Mathew's head, he is speaking to an older couple, his pen scribbling across the paper. Rory looks back down concealing her pained expression and says, "Maybe."

***

"Mom, I think this is salt," I say looking at a measuring cup full of white crystals. I stick my finger into it and lick. "Yuck!" I say and wipe my hand on my jeans, "Yeah, this is definitely salt."

Mom comes over and stares down into it, "It looks like sugar."

"It doesn't taste like sugar."

"Are you sure? Because that looks like sugar to me." She puts a hand on her hip and scowls.

"Taste it." I say.

She stares at the measuring cup with a thoughtful expression on her face, "You taste it."

"I already tasted it!"

"Well, do it again."

"Mom, it's salt."

"But it looks like sugar!"

"So, they look alike."

"Who invented this stuff anyway?" 

"Bastards." I say under my breath and we both laugh. "Should we ask Jess?"

She narrows her eyebrows, "But will he know?"

"I think there's a good chance that he might." When Mom nods her approval I call to Jess for help. 

Jess, who has been scouring the cupboards for flour, raises his eyebrows and says, "what now?" in an exasperated tone.

"We don't know if this is salt or sugar," I tell him. 

Throwing a rag over his shoulder, Jess saunters over and dips his finger into the white crystals. He brings it to his mouth and I can tell by the way his mouth puckers that it's salt. His closeness bothers me. 

"Salt." He says and walks away to continue his search for the flour.

Mom promptly pours the salt back into its bag, "We need sugar."

I roll my eyes, "I guess we better start looking for it."

"That might be a good idea."

"You know," says Jess opening another cabinet, "when you said that you had all the ingredients I assumed that we would be able to find them too." 

"That just goes to show how long you've been away." Mom says opening a cabinet herself. Her voice is sharp like needles. 

I check my watch and am surprised to see that it is already eleven, "We better hurry if we want to finish these before Mathew and Tyler get out of preschool."

Mom sighs and sticks her head into the pantry, her voice sounds muffled, "I know, I have to be there in an hour."

"We could call Luke." Jess suggests.

Mom quickly straightens up and his chin sticks out. "I absolutely refuse to call him!" She exclaims.

"Mom, he is your husband you know."

"He can't know that I don't even know my own kitchen."

"I think he already does." Jess says and flashes a grin at me.

Ten minutes later, when we still haven't found everything to make the cookies, Mom finally gives in. "Fine! Go ahead and call him! My pride will just have to suffer today." She throws herself dramatically into a kitchen chair and refuses to do it herself. "You do it Jess, at least I won't be able to hear him laugh!"

Once the ingredients are found, Mom, Jess and I begin the process of making cookies. Well, Jess does anyway. Mom and I tried to help out Jess in the beginning, but he told us both to just watch when we ruined a whole batch of cookie by once again mistaking the salt for the sugar. 

We sit at the kitchen table watching Jess ramble around the kitchen filling measuring cups, mixing flour, and trying ignore our side comments. 

"I really never knew he had it in him." Mom says watching Jess stir the mixings of the dry bowl. "I mean I thought, sure, the boy can make take an order, clean some gutters, make sarcastic remarks and successfully read a book. But make cookies? Let me tell you, I am flabbergasted."

"Man." I correct her firmly. 

Did I really just say that? I mean sure, I had been thinking it, but to say it!

"Reh?" Mom says looking curiously at me. 

Jess looks up from his stirring, his eyebrows raised. He is smirking again. 

Oh yeah, I definitely said it. Dumb-ass. 

"What was that?" Mom asks, leaning towards me with a twinkle in her eye.

The stirring starts up again, "I think what Rory means," Jess says staring at the fixings in the bowl, "is that I am a man now, not a boy." He catches my eye for a moment and looks back down. He isn't smirking this time.

I knew I would do this again. Completely make a fool of myself.

Mom raises an eyebrow and grins, "Sorry, my mistake."

"Just don't do it again," Jess says. The grin is back.

"Well," I say, "what is that now? The third time I've embarrassed myself?"

"That sounds right." Mom says nodding her head. 

But Jess instead says, "Fourth."

"Four?" Mom says thoughtfully. "Spitting coffee, checking out your ass," she counts them on her fingers, "and now with the 'man'," here she makes quotation marks in the air with her fingers. "I only have three."

"Five now." I say my face reddening.

"Hey, you brought it up." Jess says turning towards the stove. "At least you're open about it."

"Wait a tick!" Mom says frustrated, "What am I missing here?"

I can hear Jess chuckling from the stove and I know exactly what he is thinking. Orange pajamas and a confounded phrase on the ass. 

"What am I missing?!" Mom nearly yells in a crazed voice.

Jess turns around and I am shaking my head in a warning manner. But of course he has to say, "Joe mama."

"Joe mama?" Mom looks very confused indeed.

I am giving Jess my death stare but he looks right back unaffected. I need to work on this when I get home, it usually makes a point. 

Mom is staring at me very hard and I avert my eyes away from her. She lets out a gasp, "Those pajamas!" 

"What about them?" I say feigning innocence. I glance at my watch to see thankfully that it is 11:57. "Mom! You've gotta pick up the boys in exactly three minutes!"

"Wait a second missy, when exactly did Jess see you in those pajamas?" Mom asks. A look of realization comes over her visage and she narrows her eyes. She lets out a long, "Ohhhhhh."

"You better get going Lorelai," Jess says waving a spatula at her. "The clock is ticking."

"We'll talk later." She says to me on her way out of the kitchen. 

I hear the door slam shut and return to my death stare, "Nice job. Thanks a lot."

He laughs, "The look on her face was priceless." 

"Not funny."

"Come on, it was."

"No."

"It was like a scene from 'Seventh Heaven'."

I make a gagging noise, "Do not mention that show around me, you know it makes me sick."

"Precisely," he says. 

"Thank God they finally cancelled it."

"Praise Buddha."

A timer goes off and I jump up quickly, "Are they done?" Every thought of orange pajamas flees from my thoughts; chewy, warm, mushy, chocolatey cookies are all I can wrap my mind around. 

"Sit down." Jess says opening the oven to check on them. "I don't want you breathing all over them."

I sit back down in my chair watching as Jess bends over to retrieve the cookies from the oven. Nice ass. My mind is branching out. Cookies plus his ass equals two very enjoyable things. 

"Stop checking out my ass, Rory," Jess says, his voice somewhat muffled.

I let out a frustrated sigh and roll my eyes to the ceiling. "Hurry up with those cookies," I say. 

When he straightens up he is holding a pan full of delectable cookies just waiting to be eaten by none other than me 

I stand up again and say when Jess stares at me in warning, "I'm just getting milk. Hold on to your buttons."

He lets out a snort and shakes his head. He begins lifting the cookies off the pan with a spatula onto a cooling rack. I pour a glass of milk, thanking God for Luke, and stare at the morsels of dough and chocolate. I take a sip of my milk and say, "There is nothing better than chocolate cookies fresh from the oven with a glass of milk."

"I disagree." Jess says placing the last cookie onto the cooling rack. 

"Hmm." I say not even paying attention to him anymore, I walk over to stand by them. The aroma reaches my nostrils and I breath deeply. "They make me think of home, and being safe, and braided hair, and love." I say rambling and I blush.

Jess stares at me hard, "Cookies do all that for you?" he asks in real amazement. He seems staggered by my statement.

I nod and feel like I am seven years old. "Can I have one?" I ask in a small voice. Now I feel four. 

He nods but doesn't say anything. He continues to stare at me in utter astonishment, like I am an alien that just landed in this kitchen or something. I take a bite of the cookie and it's even better than I thought. It melts in my mouth in a mixture of sugar, chocolate and dough. I am thinking of my Mom, warms nights on our porch, reading my first book, and fairy tales of a prince and a princess in love. 

It's now I realize how very alone Jess and I are in this house. It's completely empty except for us and my memories. Maybe it's the way he stares at me, or how his energy seems to be radiating from him, or the way the tips of my fingers are tingling; but I feel very self conscious standing there. My legs feel too long and my hair too short, my fingers fumble with my cookie, and the glass of milk in my hand is incredibly childish. I look anywhere but him, darting my eyes around the room looking for an escape. But there is none. 

When the cookie is finished, I take a long drink of milk. I wash down the remaining sweetness in my mouth and memories of old. With my memories faded away, there is nothing stopping me from looking straight into his gazing eyes. 

"That was very good." I say very softly. My words are warm and chocolate frosting thick, they wish for him. 

His eyes move away from my eyes and down my face. Oh God, now he is staring at my mouth. I can tell by the way he licks his lips and his pupils dilate. The last time I saw this I was eighteen in a dark bedroom with a moody boy who wanted nothing more than to be loved, and yet he pushed it away. 

"You have cookie and milk on your face." He whispers leaning in.

I put a hand to my mouth, and indeed I do have a milk mustache. But I do not have time to be embarrassed by this because his hand reaches out to clasp mine and his lips lean down to capture my own. I realize it is what I have been wishing for since the day he arrived. 

We separate for a moment and he looks into my eyes. Then he tastes me again. I wonder if he can taste the cookie on my lips and in the corners of my mouth. I wonder if he recalls fairy tales and dusky nights and a loving mother. 

But these thoughts are swept away as the kiss lengthens. It is sweet and slow. So different from the kisses years ago, which had been rushed as though we didn't have all the time in the world. The pads of his fingers trace the lines of my arms, my neck and come to rest on my cheeks. They linger to dance there, tracing tenderness along my jaw line. And then his hands are on my back; a moan escapes from the depths of my throat as he roughly pulls me closer.

I can taste him now too. The cookie has washed away and now I only think of him and his flavor. He is sticky candy on a hot day when sweat smears your body and all you want to do is swim. He is a cool, sharp blueberry in a tender spring when flowers are budding and an apple pie warms on your open window. He is the spice in the homemade pasta your grandmother makes, and in the fire hot mouth burning chili your grandfather concocts. 

His hands bring me ever closer to him until our bodies are crushed against each other. I run my fingers through his thick hair and tilt my head back. I allow him further access to enjoy the soft contours of his mouth, it is sun hot and familiar. 

Right now he is mine. At this moment, with his soft lips against my own; I own the spice that turns my body red hot, the blueberry that cools my lips, and the candy that makes my palms sweat. My finger tips tickle with his taste. 

We finally break apart and are left staring at each other. We breathe slowly, I miss him already. I finally give in to the urge that has been threatening to take over ever since he arrived; I brush that one lock of curl away from his forehead. He is on fire, as I am. 

"That's definitely better." He murmurs huskily, his gaze clouded with desire. 

I tilt my head in confusion. Than I realize and say, somewhat breathlessly, "Yes."

I want to say so much more but the door opens and three voices can be heard from the kitchen. I don't want them to know, I want this as my secret. I don't want to share his taste of blueberries, and candy, and spice. It was mine and I want hold it clenched in the palm of my hand like a secret love note. 

By the time Mom, Tyler, and Mathew have reached the kitchen Jess is loading another batch into the oven, and I sit at the table chewing on a cookie wishing desperately that I could be tasting something else. 

REVIEWREVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	5. May He Confess

AN: Hello everyone!! I;m back with a new chapter that I really hope you like. I would sincerely like to thank whoever it was that nominated _Desperado_ for best Literati and Java Junkie at the Proud and Prejudiced website. I feel every honored to be nominated among other such fantastic authors. And thank you so much again to all that have reviewed!!!!!!!!!

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?   
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine   
It's hard to tell the night time from the day 

You're loosin' all your highs and lows   
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away? 

****

May He Confess

__

They have all gathered outside to see Rory off. The lingering fragrance of marigolds only days gone hovers around them as they wave to the retreating car. Two small boys chase it's dust down the road, struggling to keep up, until they find themselves lost in a haze of dirt watching the car turn a corner and wondering how they could lose sight of it so fast. 

Their shoulders slump as they walk back glumly to the house, looking over their shoulders to see if the car has magically reappeared. But their eyes remain disappointed and mouths turned down. One reaches for his mother's hand and says, "Why did she have to go? She just got here."

She gives his hand a squeeze and says in a reassuring voice, "Rory will be back tomorrow Ty. Besides, until than you have Jess to play with."

The grins have suddenly reappeared on their faces, mother always manages to make things better. 

Later on, two adults sit uncomfortably in each other's presence on a porch swing watching the boys play in the front yard. One thinks of a hard sarcastic boy that hurt her daughter more than Rory would ever know or admit. And the other thinks of a woman who never gave him a chance and was just as sarcastic as he was. Neither really knows what to say or do, they glance at each other now and then, just to make sure they're not dreaming. Neither imagined themselves here tonight, sitting beside a person they once hated. 

Finally, Lorelai simply cannot take the silence any longer. She never was one to keep her mouth shut. She says, "Why'd you come back?"

Jess is not surprised by this question, he has been expecting it. He knows the answer but takes his time anyway. For a moment he watches Mathew and Tyler jump into a pile of leaves and wishes for a childhood such as theirs. "To prove myself," he says.

Lorelai nods. She remembers clothes jumbled hurriedly into a suitcase and a note and a wish for independence and coming back years later to prove her happiness and herself. "I understand," she says.

"You do?" Jess says in a voice that doesn't believe.

"Yeah, I do." She says almost haughtily. "I've worked my whole life to prove to my parents I didn't need them. That I could make it on my own."

"Huh," he says.

"You know, we're not so different."

"That sounds incredibly clichéd."

"So call me a teenage movie," Lorelai says shrugging. "When I was younger I was a lot like you. Rebelling against the world around me, wanting what I didn't have."

"And what was that?" He asks.

"Parents who cared about what mattered and not about what other people thought. A place that I could be myself and not some pampered child." Lorelai paused to reflect on her past, her mistakes, and her decisions. "But what I didn't realize was that they loved me in spite of their misgivings and I never saw it. I left with a real goodbye."

"I didn't get pregnant."

"Obviously," she says dryly. "But you did leave with out a goodbye to anyone. You needed to be on your own. Like me, you never realized what you had; Luke cared for you as a son but you never saw it. He gave you a home and you never knew it."

He looks away knowing that everything she says is true. 

"And now you finally get it. You know what you had." Lorelai turns to him now and looks him straight in the eye, "But you don't regret that you left."

Jess stares right back, "No, I don't."

"That's why we're so alike." She continues to stare at him and speak words to him that are a splash of fresh water in the face. "We both left to find ourselves. We left behind something really good without even realizing it, yet we came out the better for it. We found out who we are and what we're supposed to live for and we did it without any regrets. And we both went back to prove that we made it. We're not trailer trash or convicts. We are who we are because we left without a goodbye." Lorelai sits back once again and seems satisfied with her speech. 

There is silence again, both thinking of the words just spoken. 

One knows that she has just admitted her entire past to a man whom she barely knows and used to hate, she's told him something that has never admitted to herself or any other person. She is softly smiling. 

The other is not smiling, his eyebrows are narrowed as though he finally gets it. He knows why he left. It wasn't about school, it wasn't about a girl with blue eyes like spilled ink, or a man that thought of him as a son. He did it for all the selfish reasons; to find out who he was and where he belonged. He finally gets it now- it really worked. 

Two people sit on a porch swing silently lost in their own thoughts; the air is comfortable now because they understand themselves and each other. 

***

When Luke arrives home he finds them that way, sitting next to each on the porch swing lost in thought, and he wonders again if the world has been turned upside down. Mathew and Tyler run up to him with scarlet leaves splashed in their hair, yelling, "Daddy!"

His favorite part of the day is when he comes home, tired after a long day at the diner, but still with enough energy to scoop up his two sons as they run to him. He can bury his head in their hair, inhale their scent of peanut butter and milk and Johnson's baby shampoo; he can let them throw their sticky hands around his neck and shout in his ear and pull his hair and ask him questions. It's everything he never wanted, and it's everything he loves.

Blue eyes appear before him and soft lips find their way through two boys to brush his. "Hey," she says, love sprinkled across her face.

Luke smiles back and lowers Mathew and Tyler to the ground. "Hi there," and he quickly kisses her again. He still isn't overly used to public affection.

But Lorelai knows this and winks at him. "How was work?"

"Taylor tried to put up a sign in my window when I told him no, and Kirk brought in his new instrument to play for me."

Lorelai giggles, "And what was that?"

"A banjo that his uncle gave to him."

"A banjo?!"

"What's banjo?"

"It's kinda like a guitar sweets."

"Yeah," Luke raises his eyes heavenward and sighs, a new subject would be more appealing to him. "You and Jess seem chummy."

"We talked."

"Talked?"

"I'll tell you later."

Luke nods and makes his way to the house with his two sons still hanging from his legs. He looks around, "Did Rory leave already?"

"Yeah," Lorelai says, "about an hour ago."

"How'd the cookies come out?" Luke asks.

"I had five!" Mathew yells proudly.

"And me too!" Tyler pipes up.

Luke turns to his wife with his eyebrows raised, "You let them eat five cookies?"

Lorelai feigns innocence and points to Jess, "It was Jess!"

Having been lost in his own world, Jess looks up surprised and confused at the sound of his name. "What?" he says.

"You forced my sons to eat five cookies each?" Luke asks in mock anger.

"Hey, Lorelai and Rory passed them out while they shoved ten into their own mouths." Jess pushes himself off the swing, "We only had fifteen to give to Lane."

"Ten," Lorelai says quickly.

"I can count."

"Yes, but the ride there."

"There were twenty in there when she left."

Lorelai laughs, "Very smart of you."

Jess shrugs, his expression light, "I do my best."

Luke fights the urge to roll his eyes and says, "Did you find everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah." Jess says smirking, "After we called you."

"What? You couldn't find every thing yourself?" Luke asks his wife.

"I was still sleeping." Lorelai says haughtily and flounces up the porch steps without looking back.

"I'll guess it was twenty minutes before you finally called me?"

"Thirty."

"Well, I was close." Luke looks down at the boys who still stare up at him adoringly and says, "How was preschool today?" 

From there Mathew and Tyler go into a long speech, filling in each other's sentences, about their wonderful teacher, and the coloring books with dinosaurs in them, and show in tell.

"I brung my bear."

"Brought Ty." 

"I showed my favorite book!"

"What's that?" Jess asks suddenly interested.

"'Where Wild Th . . .Things Aaaaare.'" Mathew says with an intense look of concentration on his face. "I can read the whooole thing! Rory gave it to me!"

Jess smiles, "I bet she did."

"It's old." Mathew says very seriously, nodding his head in an important manner. "She said I had to take special care of it."

"Oh yeah?" Jess says.

"It's 23 years old." Luke explains to him, "Rory gave it to Mathew, it was her first book also."

Jess nods and finds himself yearning to hold this book in his hands and read it; he would imagine Rory delicately grasping it in her small hands as she so often did with other books. 

They're in the house now, entering the kitchen when Lorelai bounces out asking what's for dinner, seemingly over the little incident out in the yard.

"Steak." Luke answers her. "On the grill."

"I think it gives men a lot of pleasure to say that." Lorelai says and than mimics Luke in a deep manly voice, "Steak. On the grill. Bring me food woman."

Jess smirks and says, "You even have a grill now?"

"Oh, yes!" Lorelai says scooping up Tyler into her arms and holding him close. "Not that I know how to use it. I singed my eyebrows on a grill once and haven't gone near one since. I had to actually draw them on for weeks, it was horrible. Half the time I didn't even have the patience and just went around eyebrowless."

Tyler touches one of her eyebrows, "You're pretty Mommy."

Lorelai grins and nuzzles his nose with her own, "I knew I loved you for something."

"Eyebrowless is not a word." Luke says searching the fridge for the steak.

"Now it is."

Luke pulls out a large piece of meat successfully and says, "I need to change, but I'll be right back down. Jess, could you fire up the grill?"

"Sure." Jess says wondering if he's ever even worked an outside grill before. But how hard could it be?

Five minutes later he stands in front of it with his hands in his pockets wishing for a cigarette. How long could it possibly take Luke to change one flannel shirt for another? There is a presence behind him and he turns around to see Lorelai standing there looking just as confused as he is. 

He opens his mouth to speak when she says, "I'm not going anywhere near it. My hair is precious to me."

"I'm somewhat taken with mine also." Jess says searching his pockets for a cigarette and than remembers he gave them up for Sidda. His hands still and he frowns a little. It's funny how he hasn't thought about it for days, and than all of a sudden something as simple as searching for a cigarette can bring back every single emotion he's ever felt for her. It's as fresh as the day she left six months ago, he can even feel his pride being trampled on all over again. 

He remembers Rory's mouth against his and how different it was from years ago. She was all sugary and sweet and good; but there was something that was very different, something he could not place. He regrets that he ever kissed her. He does not want to be involved, and yet he yearns to taste her again. Perhaps he will have a cookie later.

"Jess!" Lorelai nearly yells.

"What?" Jess snaps his head up at her surprised.

"I lost you for a minute there." She looks at him suspiciously, "Where'd you go?"

None of your god damn business! nearly bursts from his mouth. But he sat on a swing with a woman, whom he thought he despised, that seemed to know him better than he did himself. "Just thinking," he says finally.

"It happens to the best of us." She says nodding, a secret smile forming around her lips. "But I was just asking if you wanted a beer."

"A beer?" Jess asks, his eyes suddenly laughing. He had been an irritable young boy, thinking he owned the world taking beer from a fridge that belonged to a woman he barely knew. 

"Yeah, I mean now that you're of age and everything, I thought it would be refreshing. I've never minded drinking alone, ask my daughter, but I thought you'd like one too." Lorelai is smirking now, "Or I could turn my back and pretend not to watch while you sneak one from the fridge." She pauses, "For old times sake."

Jess laughs and says, "A beer would be great."

It is Luke who strolls out the back door minutes later with two beers and the steak in his hands finding Jess still staring bewildered at the grill in front of him. Luke holds back a laugh and hands the beer to Jess. "Having some troubles?"

"Just a little," Jess says holding the cold bottle in his hands. "How exactly does this work?"

It takes only minutes for Luke to get the grill going, ready to cook any steak it meets. 

"Huh, that was easier than it looks." Jess says and takes a swig of his beer. 

"Once you get the hang of it."

"Guess so." He lets the cool liquid slide down his throat refreshing and crisp.

For a moment only the sound of the grill and voices from inside the house can be heard. Jess realizes once again that he is completely comfortable around Luke.

Luke turns his face to the sky, "This'll be the last warm week before fall really sets in. You came at a good time."

Jess looks up also to see the sun setting slowly in the west; her colors drip and splash along the sky line as though painted on a canvass. Orange tangerine, sharp and satisfying, mixes with red satin and purple like lilac petals at night when the stars struggle to shine. For some reason he's never enjoyed a sunset more. 

"How long are you staying?"

His eyes remain on the sky in all its wonders. "Until Friday I think, maybe longer."

"Rory leaves Sunday, maybe you can hitch a ride with her."

"Maybe," Jess says. Nearly three hours alone in the car with Rory Gilmore? His ex-girlfriend? The one he left without even having the courtesy of breaking up with her first? The one he has barely thought about for the past six years? The one he still surprisingly desires? He can't even imagine how awkward it would be. 

Luke sips at his own beer. "You said you had something to tell me. Something important. Are you ever gunna let me in on it?"

Jess is surprised, "You remembered?"

"Yeah, I mean I hadn't heard from you in two years and all of a sudden you say you'll be visiting sometime in the fall. There's no real date or guarantee that you'll actually come, you just say you have something to tell me sometime in the fall." Luke turns to him, "So here we are."

The pain is once again creeping its way into the very depths of his mind. How can he tell Luke that he had been rejected? He had offered his life to a woman and she had refused. Jess suddenly wishes for a dozen more beers to drink himself silly. Would that make it go away? "I was engaged." He says simply.

"Was?"

"Yeah, for a couple of months until she decided it wasn't right." Jess takes another rough swig of his beer and stares once again at the sunset. The colors are fading, following the path of the sun and trickling down to the other side of the earth; they leave trails of twilight blue and filmy lavender. 

"Wasn't right?"

"She said I didn't love her."

"Did you?" Luke asks. He is trying to hide his surprise. Jess was engaged? Luke always imagined, as shameful as it was, Jess doing the leaving. 

"I think I did." Jess shakes his head. It's always the same answer, doubtful and unsure, even to himself. 

"It's yes or no." Luke says firmly.

"I don't know." Jess says staring at the ground now, not wanting to see the colors disappear. Not wanting it to end. "I just don't know."

Luke nods because he understands. There had been a woman he thought he had loved, she had red hair and a tendency to disappear. And than there had been a woman he never knew he truly loved until it hit him so hard that it was difficult to breathe sometimes. 

He squeezes Jess' shoulder in a fatherly manner and says, "You will. Someday you will." 

Surprisingly, Jess feels comforted. He looks up into the sky to see that the sun has left him to the beginnings of stars and a half moon. Jess finds that he doesn't mind this dusky night at all. He enjoys it. 

***

It is the beginning of the new day that awakens him. A fragment of sunlight shines through the dirty window next to him, and he can hear a birds song mingled with that of early morning risers. The bell from the diner rings through the open window and he wonders if Luke has already awoken and is serving chocolate chip pancakes. 

In sudden earnest he wishes to wash the window near clean. It is riddled with dirt and dust and neglect. Luke has not cleaned the apartment in too long a time. He wishes to take an entire bottle of Windex and scrub the window down until he can see himself staring back. In days before that window was his lonely vigil, his night post, his watch. 

While Luke slept, Jess would wait for hours by that window, sometimes reading, other times simply watching. He never knew what for. 

But that is a lie. He always knew, just never admitted it to himself. 

Nights of a full moon and a clear sky had been his favorite, he could see the town clearer and make out each constellation that he so wanted to know. Astrology had been his first choice when he stared attending night school in sunny California. He had seen Rory through that window just two nights ago; she had turned her eyes to the night sky and Jess had seen her face silver in the moonlight.

Jess turns away from the window in bed, he would rather gaze through it at night. At night you can wish upon a star and not feel foolish, at night you can make deals with God and keep them, at night you can believe in hope. Every single night in Stars Hollow was made of hope by that window. 

Years ago he had been hoping for a mother. One who made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and left love notes in a lunch box. A mother that would drive him to baseball practice, not make him walk until he finally was forced to quit the team. A mother that made him say his prayers at night and believe in the unbelievable. A mother that loved him. 

Years ago that was all Jess wanted. He just wanted to be loved. And yet he never saw it when it was offered to him. First by Luke and than by Rory. Each had opened their hearts to him and he trampled all over it without even realizing that he was destroying exactly what he yearned for every single solitary night. Then he had left without a goodbye or even an apology. He hasn't changed as much as he thought it seems, Sidda had also offered him her love and look what happened. 

But now, as Jess turns back to stare through the window into the bright sunshine he wants something more. He understands now that he has been loved by people in their own way. His mother loved him but never knew how to show it, she never understood. Luke had loved him by trying to show Jess how to live your life the right way, but he had turned away from this thinking he knew everything there was to know. Rory perhaps had loved him once, before he squashed that to smithereens by turning his back on her in the worst possible way. 

And Sidda had loved him, over everything else Jess knows this is true. He can still remember the way her soft brown eyes would sparkle when she looked at him, and the way she reached from him in the middle of the night, softly calling out his name. 

Jess just wishes he knew how to return this love. He wishes he could love them back, but it seems that he doesn't know how. Sidda knew that he didn't when she returned a certain diamond ring to him. And Rory certainly seemed to know when she spoke to him over an unexpected phone call. 

Jess thinks of the kiss again and regrets it again. He wants no involvement with anyone, he just can't stand the hurt, but he is already yearning for her taste. It has been so long since he's held a woman tightly against him, inhaled her flowery sent and spoken soft words in her ear. But he doesn't need this or want it, it only brings pain, which he would rather live without. In his opinion love only hurts, yet, beyond all reason, he still wonders what it would feel like. 

The clock reads nine, and Jess is surprised to see that it is so late already. He pulls himself out of bed and stretches, his feet carry him to the window that has occupied his thoughts of late. The harsh sunlight dashes across his face, making him squint and take a step backwards. He is so fucking scared of love, he just wouldn't know what to do with it. 

He is about to turn away when a familiar figure walks casually across the streets of Stars Hollow causing him to stop abruptly and take another step forward. Although she is far away, he can see her blue eyes and the spirit that resides there; he can imagine her face very close to his and the softness of her presence. His heart thumps loudly in his chest, the tips of his fingers itch.

What is it anyway? Love. 

I think you know what to do . . . . . 


	6. Morning Sting

AN: Thanks again for all the reviews. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!!!

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?   
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine   
It's hard to tell the night time from the day 

You're loosin' all your highs and lows   
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

****

Morning Sting

__

It feels funny being up so early. Though I have not figured out if it is early or late, I guess that's what happens when you decide not to sleep for a whole twenty-four hours. I wonder how I will survive the day. 

I enter the diner to find that Luke isn't even here yet, that hardly matters, I'm simply here for the coffee. I order a large cup from Caesar and smile thinking about last night. Lane and I had stayed up the until dawn watching old movies, eating cookies and laughing over distant and recent memories. I missed her so much without even realizing it. But she didn't know what to do about Jess either. And I certainly don't have a clue.

I had one whole day free of him to think about it and what steps I was going to take next. That is the way I worked out my relationships. After three dates I contemplate on exactly how to let them off easy, either in person or over the phone; sometimes I even simply ignored their phone calls. They are just never right for me. But with Jess it's a different story, every time I think about him and the kiss my thoughts get all jumbled and I become nervous and agitated not knowing what to do; plus it's not as though we've been on any dates! It was only a kiss. 

Only a kiss my ass. It was only the most amazing kiss I've had in about three years, Tristan DuGrey had been pretty magnificent too. I really need to have a long girl talk with Kylie. Lane of course had been great, but I haven't seen her in so long, Kylie knows me better than anyone. Except my Mom that is. Well Jesus Christ! Why hadn't I thought about that before?! 

I slap my money on the counter and tell Caesar I am taking this coffee to go, I'll bring the cup back in later. He looks as though he's about to argue but then backs down, perhaps he remembers that I am a Gilmore and my mother is married to his boss. 

I run out of the diner as fast as I can with a cup of coffee in my hands setting my feet towards home and a mother who always gives the best advice. Halfway there I am already out of breath, I stop for a moment to breathe and take another sip of coffee. Mm, it tastes delicious in my mouth. I am off again, the coffee in my cup distinctly lowered. 

The house is silent and empty when I arrive, the boys must be at preschool already. I rush up the stairs to Mom's room hoping that Luke was the one to take them this morning. I knock on her door, and open it when I hear a grumbled noise coming from inside. She hasn't awoken yet, I'll have to fix that!

Placing my coffee on the night table I jump onto the bed and yell, "Mom!" at the top of my lungs.

A figure amidst the covers flies up and I can see her hair curling out in every which way, "Save the turtles!" She yells.

I laugh and laugh. "Mom, it's me. I'm home!"

"Huh?"

"Mom, there are no turtles it was just a dream. I just woke you up and it is nine thirty."

She turns to me, her eyelids heavy. "You better have a good excuse. I was at the Inn until two last night."

I kick my shoes off and say, "I need a good talk."

"And this talk could not have happened in another hour?"

"Nope, it's a matter of the utmost importance." 

Her eyes widen, "Did Tom Cruise marry again?"

I narrow my eyebrows, "Wash your mouth out."

"I was just making sure." She sighs and lays back in bed. "So what'd ya wanna talk about?"

I climb under the covers with her and lay my head beside hers, "Jess."

"Ahh," she says. 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, I saw this coming."

"You did?"

"I'm 'joe mama'." Her eyes laugh. 

"Hey I can explain!" I say defensively. 

"Then explain away because I am very curious indeed." She rolls on her side to stare at me with her blue eyes.

I tell her about what happened three nights ago but it doesn't come out right. Something's can't be put into words; like the shape of the moon or his hand over mine reaching for constellations in the sky or the thickness of his voice in my ear or the look on his face at the end of the night when we said our good-byes. But she seems to understand anyway.

"You feel something for him then?" She asks.

I bite my lip and look away to the new day. "I don't know what I feel."

"Yes you do."

How does she know me so well? I look back at her, "I know what I feel, but my emotions are all jumbled. I just can't sort them out. Sometimes I remember the way he treated me and I'm angry and I can't imagine myself ever wanting to be with him again." I pause to collect my thoughts, but again the words I am speaking don't feel right to me. "Then I'll see him and my heart will beat really fast. I haven't felt that way for someone in so long. The guys I've dated lately have been so boring, they don't make me feel anything. Even their kisses are bland. It's different with Jess."

Mom raises her eyebrows, "Who said anything about kissing?"

I blush because I know I've given myself away. "We kissed yesterday when you left."

"I thought something seemed a little strange when I got back." She giggles and leans closer to me, "So how was it?"

I grin, "Amazing."

Her grin matches mine, "How amazing?"

"The best I've had in years."

She giggles again like a school girl. "I didn't know he had it in him."

"Oh, he has it."

She stares into my eyes, the grin slowly receding from her face and says, "It certainly seems so."

"What?" I ask confused. She's looking at me in such a way that she never has before. 

"Nothing," she shakes her head. 

I relax, "So what do you think I should do? Have any motherly advice for me?"

"I think you should just let this run its course. See what happens."

"But we only have four days left here. Actually he's only here until Friday I think."

Mom rolls her eyes, "You guys live in the same city."

"A really big city." I sigh and stare up at the ceiling, "I wish I knew what he was feeling."

"You could ask him."

"Awkward."

"But required."

"Yeah, I guess." I curl up my fists and narrow my eyebrows, "I just don't want to make another mistake with him!"

"That would suck." She says nodding.

"Not helping."

"Sorry."

I sit up and grab my coffee from where it has been sitting. I gulp down a huge sip and say, "I mean what if he just ends up being a really big jerk again? Look at the way he treated me in high school, he was an asshole." I sigh and hand Mom the coffee which she had been eyeing. "I mean we did have a lot of good times, but that doesn't make up for the way he hurt me."

"No it doesn't." She says and takes a sip. "But that was six years ago. I think he's a different person now."

My eyebrows raise in surprise, "Did you just stick up for Jess or are my ears deceiving me?"

"You're ears are in fine working order my dear."

"Than what's up?"

"We talked, Jess and I."

"Is that so?"

She nods, "I think we understand each other now."

"That's good." I say still surprised by her statement. 

"Maybe you should give him another chance."

"Maybe he doesn't want one." I take the cup away from for another sip and hope what I say isn't true.

"He does. I've seen the way he's looked at you."

I blush and say like I'm fifteen with a crush, "Really?"

"Oh yeah, he's looking at you the same way you check out his ass."

I laugh and hit her with a pillow. "Shut up!"

"You know you're never going to live that down."

"Oh, please I'm not the only one with wandering eyes. The apple does not fall far from the tree."

"I do not deny this." Mom reaches out for the cup and takes a sip, "He does have a nice ass."

I laugh again and lay back down beside her. "So, should I put the past behind me?"

"Sounds like a plan."

"Okay then." I say and wonder if I can. 

***

Jess is shaving in front of the mirror when he hears the knock on the door. He's already nicked himself twice because he's not paying attention. Ever since this morning his mind has been going haywire with random thoughts and imagination. He can't help but relive every moment of three nights ago, he can't help but want to make another ten batches of cookies to taste two days ago. 

He has also called Sidda and hung up at the sound of her voice twice already. She knows it's him too, it's been over four months since he has done it last but she still knows. He only wanted to hear her voice again free of awkward conversation. He wanted to truly know if what he felt for Sidda was love and not simply the yearning for it. It was love wasn't it? The warm feeling that spreads through your body knowing that someone is waiting for you at home. Or the way the corners of you mouth will tug upward at the sight of them. How could he be sure? 

Who does he have to compare this to? No one from Venice Beach minus the flings he had with random girls. And why can't he stop thinking of Rory while he calls Sidda?! Why does he call Sidda when he thinks of Rory? He can't possibly compare the two, can he? He never really had a relationship with Rory, unless treating a girl you love like dirt counts.

And this is where Jess had nicked himself the first time. When he thought this. 

Unless treating a girl you love like dirt counts? Love? It had been a random and very sarcastic thought that fluttered across his mind. He had smirked and shook his head, he does not love Rory. 

Yet he can still feel her hands under his and her breath against his neck and her eyes in the moonlight and her face when he asked her his question at the end of the night. He wonders again if she has really forgiven him, if she really did love him. 

Why does he continue to think about that one night when nothing really even happened? He doesn't want this! He doesn't want the hurt and the pain and the agony of love. He can feel the pull of Sidda holding him back and he wishes it stronger.

But he thinks of the kiss and this is when he nicked himself again. 

He doesn't have time to be angry with himself because someone is knocking at the door and there is shaving cream on his face and he is still half naked. 

A minute later he is at the door pulling a shirt over his head and his face clean save for a small bit of cream left on his chin. 

It's a good thing he nicked himself only minutes ago because he uses the sting of the razor to pull himself back into reality. It took only moments for him to fall into the blue pool of her eyes and imagine himself kissing her soft lips and tasting cookies. He reaches out for something real to bring him back, it is the cuts on his face that he finds. He thinks about the way a razor can wound and not about her warm hand. He thinks about the red dot on the piece of toilet paper he used for the first cut instead of the way she is looking at him right now. The tiny wounds on his face stop Jess from doing something very drastic; he never knew that he could be grateful for cutting himself with an early morning razor. 

"Hey," he says when he finds his voice.

"Hi." She says and is already biting her lip nervously.

He wishes her to stop, he doesn't want to be reminded of her lips. He steps backwards and says, "What brings you here so early?"

"I just came home this morning from Lane's."

He smiles, "How were the cookies?"

Her smile matches his, "They were good." She pauses and looks straight into his eyes for so long that Jess once again has to concentrate on reality. "Really good."

Now he must turn away or even razor wounds will not stop him from throwing her against the wall and finding her taste. "I'm glad."

She follows closely behind him, "Listen Jess . . ."

But he interrupts her before she can finish, "Would you like something to drink?" He is already thirsty and there are beads of sweat forming on the back of his neck. It is not hot in this room so why is he gulping down a glassful of water?

"No thank you," she says her blue eyes glowing and her cheeks a soft pink.

Jess raises his eyebrows and fills his glass again because he knows the answer. Desire. "You sure?" 

"Positive." She says and licks her lips. She is not looking at his eyes anymore.

"Huh, okay then." He says and drains the second glass. Their desire is so thick Jess is sure he could reach out his hand and catch it to find it tangible in his palm. He feels light headed and his finger tips are itching non stop, he rubs them against his pants.

"You have. . ." Rory reaches out to touch him but he backs away so quickly that he knocks a chair over. 

"What?" He says ignoring the fallen chair.

Rory touches her own chin and says, "Shaving cream."

"Oh, yeah, well you caught me by surprise a few minutes ago." He turns to garb a paper towel and wipes his chin. "Gone?"

She nods but continues to stare at a spot by his chin.

"Ugh, Rory?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you need something?" He wonders if she can hear his loud heart against his rib cage because he certainly can.

"I wanted to talk to you." Her eyes slowly wander back up to his eyes.

Jess relaxes a little, "Oh, okay."

She takes a deep breath and knits her hands together. "Okay, right. Well about the other day. . .and the kiss. . .I just, well, I want to tell you-"

"I know, I'm sorry." Jess cuts her off quickly knowing what she is going to say, or perhaps fearing it? "I know I shouldn't have."

"You shouldn't?" She asks confused, her eyebrows raised.

Jess shrugs, "I'm sorry I, ugh, just got caught up in the moment and . . ."

"Of making cookies?" She asks incredulously.

"I. . .guess." He looks away because he doesn't want to look at her now. "I just . . .it just happened . . ." He finally glances up to see her looking away from him, her eyes are masked by her lids. Her brow is narrowed and Jess thinks her mad for being kissed. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry, I won't let it happen again. It was just a mistake, right?"

Her eyes connect with his again and he feels a jolt go through his entire body. Her eyes are ablaze, blue as a Brazilian sky in mid summer. "Right, that's exactly what I was going to say." She says her voice short and clipped. 

She walks backward to the door. "It was absolutely nothing, I mean I've only been thinking about it non stop for the past two days but no big deal. I don't mind that you drop into my life again and woe me with your stupid constellations and amazing kisses. No big deal. I don't know why I let you, you're just going to leave again anyway. No problem."

The door slams behind her and he can hear her running down the stairs. If he went to his window he could watch as she ran across the middle of town so angry she pulls a few leaves off a corner tree. He could watch Taylor come up to her scowling and then be baffled when she throws the leaves in his face and marches away.

But he doesn't move because suddenly the desire that had once over taken this room has been replaced. The sweat on his neck has turned ice cold and the beating of his heart slowed, the tips of his fingers no longer itch. Instead he has a head ache and all he can feel are the nicks on his face that should have stopped stinging five minutes ago. 

***

If home is where the heart is than Lorelai should be sure to take her coffee pot everywhere with her. She is sitting in her kitchen thinking these thoughts while a pile of bills sits unopened before her. Sitting here at 10:30 in the morning with a coffee cup in her hand trying to sort through her bills still surprises her, she even has a bemused look on her face. She can't figure out what prompted her to haul these bills out of her junk drawer and sort through them. Perhaps it's because she has been living with Luke for so long, or maybe it's because she doesn't have to be at the Dragonfly for another three hours and her daughter had rudely woken her up thirty minutes ago.

So here she is sitting at her kitchen table with a pile of bills and a cup of coffee. She would much rather think of coffee and that's exactly what she is doing. 

Fifteen minutes later Luke has arrived home and he finds Lorelai in the same exact position she was in fifteen minutes ago, except that her coffee has been refilled twice now.

Upon seeing Luke she kisses him and than voices her thoughts aloud.

Luke snorts and rolls his eyes, "How sentimental of you."

"You think so?" Lorelai says surprised.

"Most people think home is where your family is, but if you choose your coffee pot who's going to make it?"

"Huh," Lorelai says and seems stumped by this statement.

"How many cups have you had so far this morning?"

"One." The answer comes too quickly.

"Than why is the coffee pot only a quarter of the way full?"

"Rory was here."

"Actually I just saw Rory entering the diner about twenty minutes ago, you're not telling the truth again." Luke pours himself a glass of water and sits down beside his wife.

Lorelai straightens when he says this, "Oh really?"

"Yes, you definitely drank that all by yourself."

"No, I mean the other part."

"What other part?"

"The one about Rory and the diner."

"I saw her go in there a little while ago. Why?"

Lorelai shakes her head in amazement, "Wow, she works fast." She sips her coffee and wipes away a fake tear. "I've taught her so well."

"Probably too much."

"Ahh, my little grasshopper is growing up."

"I hope you don't call our kids that."

"Haven't you ever seen The Karate Kid?"

"Probably not."

"Mr. Miahgui taught me so much."

"I'm ignoring that comment."

Lorelai sighs, "We need to update your movie knowledge." She drains the last of her coffee and pushes herself out of her chair for more.

"I know you're on number four." Luke says and catches her wrist. 

Lorelai raises her eyebrows, "And how is that?"

"I've measured the coffee pot to see how many cups it holds." He jerks his head towards the coffee machine, "It's nearly empty."

Lorelai lets out a little humph and sits down on his lap, "Well, at least I see the pot half full instead of half empty."

Luke laughs and lays his hands on her hips, "But it is nearly empty."

"Whatev, I'm over it." Lorelai says and kisses him. She pushes his face away for a moment and says, "I don't think that coffee pots are my home."

"I know."

And they kiss again.

"You taste like coffee."

"Deal with it."

They are still kissing when Rory walks into the kitchen without a word and into her room shutting the door behind her. 

Lorelai is breathing heavily when she mutters, "that rat bastard," and knocks on her only daughters door where she can hear Rory softly crying inside. 

Review if you please. 


	7. A Grain of Happiness

__

AN: Hey, back with a new chapter!!! Thank you again to all of the great reviews!! They have been so uplifting. And thank you to whoever nominated _Pretty Baby_ and _Desperado _for the Literati Fanfiction Awards. That felt great, so thank you again. I hope you enjoy this next chapter……  


__

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?   
Come down from your fences, open the gate   
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you 

****

A Grain of Happiness

The kitchen is quiet tonight. Pans are laid on the stove more lightly, hushed voices are used, two boys have been told to keep quiet and the microwave is opened before the timer can go off. 

Jess immediately notices this when he enters the house. 

Tyler doesn't shout his normal "hi!" when he sees him, but squeaks it in an inside voice, and Mathew merely grins. The T.V isn't blasting. Upon seeing all this Jess wonders if the world has been turned upside down. 

Luke is in the kitchen adding more spices to the tomato sauce cooking on the stove. "Hey Jess," he says when he turns around to see his nephew. 

"Where is everybody? Why is it so quiet?" Jess asks, but what he's really wondering is 'Where's Rory?'

Luke seems to understand this because he says, "Rory is sleeping."

"And I thought it was six."

"I don't think she slept at all last night."

Jess takes a seat, "That would explain the silence."

Luke nods, "Plus Lorelai's working tonight."

"Ahh, yes. That makes sense."

"Do you know how long I was in love with Lorelai before I finally told her?"

"Ugh . . ." the question has taken Jess by complete surprise. He raises his eyebrows and smirks, "Probably a very long time?"

"Since the day I met her and she refused to step outside to drink her coffee while talking on her cell phone." Luke mixes the sauce and then takes a small taste on his long wooden spoon.

"Spaghetti tonight?" Jess asks, and when Luke nods he says, "So what is this about?"

"It was a long time before I admitted it to myself, and then even longer before I told her." Luke opens a bag of long thin noodles and lets them slide out into a pot of boiling water. "When I finally did tell her it was almost too late." He pauses and looks straight at Jess, "Other people aren't so lucky." His glance flickers to the door behind Jess and then back to him again. 

Jess knows what's coming and he doesn't like it. "What are you saying?"

"Don't be a dumb ass."

Jess lowers his voice, "I know what I'm doing Luke." 

Luke shrugs, "Okay."

"I don't need anymore long term relationships."

"Fine with me."

"They only turn out badly."

"If that's what you think."

"Yeah, that is what I think." Jess has already fisted his hand and his eyes are angry.

"My marriage is going great, and Sookie and Jackson are still together."

"You guys also live in Stars Hollow."

"We're the same as anyone else."

"Luke you don't have to lecture me. I'm not seventeen anymore." But Jess feels seventeen. He is already regretting what he said to Rory and is already yearning to see her once again.

"I'm just giving you some friendly advice, you can take it or not."

"Thanks for the help but I'm okay."

"That's what I wanted to hear." Luke turns back to the stove and to his cooking leaving Jess alone with his thoughts. 

Being alone with his thoughts at a time like this is not what Jess wants. He came here for conversation so he wouldn't have to think about what happened today and if it was a mistake. Lately he had been thinking that instead of speaking he should have gone with his gut instinct of kissing Rory senseless. But than sometimes he'll think of Sidda and know he made the right decision.

Now Jess goes even deeper into his thoughts, and wonders if he should have kissed her. He wonders if that kiss would eventually turn to love. Or maybe it already is. Or maybe he's going insane!

He thought Rory still hated him. Hadn't he left her without even the courtesy of a nasty break up? Everyone needs closure and he didn't give her any. But she was still kind enough to give him the closure he needed. After that phone call he had never called her again. He hadn't the need to.

He suddenly realizes that he has been doing the exact same thing as Sidda, except she has never spoken to him through the silence.

Jess suddenly sits up very quickly in his chair and his hand gropes inside his pocket until he finds what he's looking for. "Luke, I'll be right back."

By the times he is outside his hands are shaking. His nerves are ragged and fusing, he doesn't want to do this but he knows that he has to. If he looked up he could make out every constellation he ever learned, but he doesn't look up or even think of stars because he's too fixed upon what he's about to do.

The cell phone is warm and hard in the palm of his hand, his fingers know the number by heart, he doesn't even have to think. He puts the phone up to his ear and waits.

"Hello…" Her warm vanilla voice reaches his ear and nearly makes him jump.

"Sidda? It's Jess-"

But he's cut off my her continuing voice, "It's Sidda. Please leave a message and I'll call you back. Bye!"

Jess mumbles a curse and waits for the beep. When it comes he says, "Hey Sidda. . .it's Jess, ugh I know it's weird that I'm calling you but . . .well, I really just wanted to talk to you, if even only for a minute. Anyway, if you could call be back on my cell phone that would be great. My, ugh, number is still the same. Well, thanks, and . . . bye." God he's a loser, real nice message.

He pockets his phone, waits until his nerves have calmed and returns to the house where he finds a man serving spaghetti, two boys already covered in sauce, and a very sleepy girl trying desperately to stay awake and avert her eyes from what she yearns to have. 

***

The atmosphere around the dinner table is unusually uncomfortable, even the boys have begun to notice that their laughs die off without being joined. 

Maybe it's because Rory refuses to even look Jess' way or speak to him. She is already regretting awaking from her slumber, but it's hard to sleep when she can smell dinner cooking right outside her door, especially when she's only had coffee and ice-cream all day. 

Or maybe it's because at every noise Jess jumps thinking it's his cell phone ringing in his pocket. He can't help but think of Sidda's voice through the telephone and what he is going to say to her. Whatever he says he knows he'll probably end up sounding like a fool and that makes him even more agitated. He's so preoccupied that he hasn't noticed that Rory is ignoring him or Luke's dirty looks. 

It could be because Luke is so upset with his nephew that he's having trouble talking. How could he be such a bastard to Rory? He hurt her six years ago and now he's doing it all over again. Maybe Venice Beach hadn't changed him, Luke guesses his guidance hadn't helped much either and that makes it even worse. It makes him even angrier. He has the sudden urge to punch Jess in the face but resists.

The only sounds that can be heard now are Tyler and Mathew speaking twin gibberish to each other and the soft scrape of silver ware against the plates. 

It finally happens. Luke looks around to the phone hanging on the wall in confusion, Rory stares at Jess' pocket and Jess nearly chokes on a noodle. 

In a second the cell phone is out of his pocket and glued to his ear. "Yeah?" He says into the phone, his brow is strained. 

Everyone is staring at him now while Jess lowers his fork to his plate and says, "Sidda."

Rory quickly looks away and twirls noodles around her fork, but she is no longer hungry. Luke has a very nasty look on his face and probably would have punched Jess in the face, but his nephew has already left his seat and is out the door. 

No one at the table thought that the atmosphere around them could be any more uncomfortable, but with Luke scowling, Rory holding back her tears and the twins quiet, it just has. 

Meanwhile outside, Jess is running a hand through his hair and speaking in an urgent voice.

"Sidda, listen I know it's been nearly six months but I just needed to talk to you."

There is a sigh through the phone and a voice answers, "You do realize Jess that talking to you isn't exactly easy for me?"

"Yes." He answers almost breathlessly.

"Okay." She says and nothing else.

After a moment of intense silence Jess finally has the courage to say, "Why did you leave me?"

"We've been through this." She sounds somewhat annoyed.

"I know that, but I still don't understand because if you don't make me I'm never going to get over you." Jess says it and is glad he finally has. It's not easy to admit aloud that a person is holding you back from your future.

"You didn't love me Jess." Sidda says and there is still a trace of pain in her voice.

"But I did." Jess says and than pauses, "I thought I did."

"I know you thought you did Jess," Sidda says in a soothing sort of voice. "But you always doubted yourself. You were never sure. Every time you told me you hesitated."

Jess is silent because he is remembering how easy it was for Sidda to say those three words while sometimes he had to force his.

"That's not how love goes Jess. You don't have to think about it, you just know."

"Okay." Jess says in a scratchy voice.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Okay, well I think I should go now." Sidda says in a sad voice. She seems to know this is the last time she'll ever speak with him. But with that sadness comes relief and freedom.

"Yeah, I guess you should."

"Bye Jess."

"Bye Sidda . . .and thank you."

Without waiting for the dial tone, Jess snaps his cell phone shut and turns his head to the sky. He reads every constellation as he would a book and feels a sense of calmness come over him. His heart is beating and his head is clear. He feels just fine. He should have made that phone call a long time ago.

After a few minutes Jess returns to the house to find only three people sitting at the table eating spaghetti and he immediately asks, "Where did she go?"

***

My whole body is hurting and I don't understand why. Maybe it is because once I think I've found happiness it slips through my fingers like sand before I get the chance to hold tightly. Every time I lose a grain of happiness it hurts. And tonight is the tip of the iceberg. 

Why did I let myself do this? I am so naïve and stupid! To think that he had actually changed! Why do I let myself get into these things?

For just a few minutes I had held happiness in the palm of my hand and thought perhaps that some of it was love. 

But those thoughts soon died at his words and the look on his face when he spoke them in a small room above a diner. It was a mistake, just a stupid mistake!

And I had let myself cry over him! I had actually cried! I haven't cried over a man in nearly six years! My heart nearly stops as I realize that the last boy I had cried over was Jess. 

That rat bastard.

Sidda is probably another one of his many girlfriends that he kisses randomly all the time and than tells them it was a mistake. Or maybe he sleeps with them first, maybe he just didn't find me desirable enough. This thought hurts me even more.

I'm in the middle of town walking swiftly past the few people who are still out this late decorating for Fall Festivities which start in a few days. I pass by Kirk who is painting a sign that says 'Hot Cider' so far, and by Taylor who is directing the hanging of Chinese lanterns splayed with leaves. I feel so separate from them, I wish to put more space between them and myself, so when I spot the bench hidden by tress I make a dash for it. 

The bench feels hard and cold against my back. I used to sit here waiting for my bus to Chilton. Jess would meet me here every once in a great while, but more often it was Dean before we broke up. 

That rat bastard.

I am cursing him over and over again to keep myself from bursting into tears. I can't understand why no one wants me. It's usually me who breaks up with the boy, but that's because there's never any sparks, they don't feel anything for me- they don't want me.

And when I finally find a man who makes my finger tips tingle, and sends shock waves through my nervous system, and creates enough sparks to kindle a fire he calls the kiss we share a mistake. This is why I feel like crying and I finally do. 

I'm like a leaky faucet and I am ashamed. This isn't like me! Why am I letting him affect me so? I am still wanting to kiss him and cursing him for it. 

Who is Sidda?!!!!!

I think of the way blueberries hang off their sinewy branches like Christmas bulbs; the sharp, cool pulp that explodes in your mouth. I think of hot bare feet on pavement with a sweet sticky pink lollypop in your mouth, and the distinct popping sound it makes when you pull it out. I think of spices so strong that they tingle your taste buds at the very smell. I think of the way he looks at me and his hands on my back, it simply makes me cry more.

After a few moments of pushing away my tears and taking deep breaths I lay back on the bench to stare up at the sky. I do not look to the stars for fear of tears, instead I concentrate on the moon and remember a song that my mother would sing to me on late nights when all I knew was her love. 

I begin to hum the melody because I cannot remember the words and it comforts me. His face fades away to be replaced by my mothers and the way her lips moved when she sang and how her eyes are always filled with laughter. 

"Do you really believe in the man on the moon?"

I gasp and scramble into a sitting position, my nervous system is going haywire. I don't have to turn around to see who it is. The rat bastard. "You scared me!" I put a hand to my chest and feel my heart beating wildly inside it. Is that fear? "Must you always sneak up on me?!"

"I'm sorry," he says and sits down on the bench to face me.

I don't respond but instead look behind him at the trees casting eerie shadows on the ground. I can still hear murmurs of Taylor's bossy voice and the sound of a hammer and nail. Why is he here? I have the sudden urge to cry again. I also have the sudden urge to punch him in the face. But I do neither. 

"I've been looking all over for you." He says trying to make me look at him, but it doesn't work.

"Good for you." There are still some people at the diner and I suddenly wish them over here to lose myself in the crowd. My fingers ball themselves into fists by their own accord. I would really love to punch him.

"Look at me Rory."

But I don't. I am afraid that if I do I will punch him directly in the mouth. More than that though, I am afraid that if I look into his eyes I will see rejection. I can't handle that. 

"Rory, please look at me. I need you to look at me." His voice sounds urgent and compelling. 

I feel his hands on my face and I flinch but he does not remove them. Instead he cups my cheeks and turns my head slowly until I am looking straight into his eyes. I search for the rejection, but find none. I am already drowning, and my fingers have fallen from their fist. My palms face the sky, open and waiting. 

His hands linger on my face as he says, "This morning Rory, I didn't mean what I said. I don't know why I said it, I was stupid and . . .and well, I didn't mean it all."

How can I believe him? "You didn't?" I ask softly and then feel angry with myself for already giving in.

"Not one word." And he leans into me until his lips are inches from mine. "I've been thinking about that kiss for the past two days." He uses my words to seduce me.

I can already taste him in my mouth as he comes closer, but than I think of the phone call and the way he backed away from me and the look in his eyes when he did.

I put a hand on his chest to push him away, "Who's Sidda?"

He is surprised, a look of pain crosses his face so evident that it makes me wince. He sighs and leans back against the bench, "I was engaged to her."

"Oh," I say looking away. My cheeks are cold without his warm touch.

"I hadn't spoken to her in six months when she called tonight."

Is that supposed to make me feel better? "Oh," I say again.

"She gave the ring back to me because she said I didn't love her, but I thought I did. I really did." He stares transfixed at a tree in another world recalling the past. "I couldn't understand it. How could I know if I truly loved her if I didn't even know what it feels like?" Here his voice breaks off and he runs a hand though his hair.

Pity washes over me and I realize that there's so much to Jess that I don't know and wish to find out. I lean closer to his overwhelming presence.

"I called her tonight because I was so confused about you. I needed to speak with her, find out what I did wrong. But she told me the exact same thing but this time I finally got it."

"You did?" I ask.

He looks straight into my eyes and says, "Yes."

I can see him wandering to my lips, his pupils are dilating, but before he can do anything I say, "You hurt me."

His gaze returns to my eyes, they are soft and beautiful. They answer the question for me. 

"I just wanted you to understand."

"I do," he says. He places a hand on my cheek and makes soft circles with his thumb. I can feel the desire between us already. 

He leans in and this time I don't push him away. His hands slide through my hair as our lips meet, and I feel the contours of his back. I can taste blueberries, and candy, and spices all at once as before, but this time I can also see the night sky above us and we are soaring through every constellation. 

By the time I pull away I am rubbing my fingers against his back. The navy sky is tangled in my hair and I can see a star caught in the corner of his eye. 

He is still breathing heavily, his forehead against mine, when he asks, "Do your finger tips tingle when we're close?"

I smile to realize why he finally understood his past and kiss him again. 

It's nice to belong. 

__

AN: Did you like it or hate it? Let me know with a review!!! 

I wanted to share my excitement with everyone about this Tuesday. I can't believe Jess is returning! This season hasn't exactly been that interesting for me, I am hoping that Jess will spice things up a little. Anyway, please review!!!!!!!!


	8. The Way Home

Hullo, back again with the eighth chapter which could very well be the last. And if it is the last I would like to give special thanks to as always laura mariano because your reviews are always so awesome and inspiring. And to iminlovewithaboynamedJESS, AvidTVfan, smile1, Luke Rules, Jade-Tessier, Thena, tonx, Emily Carol, tegan and anyone else that I did not name. Thank you so much for your support, you're probably the only reasons I continue to write. 

~Kay

You better let somebody love you, 

let somebody love you

before it's too late

****

The Way Home

When Rory wakes up the next morning with a rosy pink to her cheeks, and her eyes sparkling Lorelai notices and wonders. When they start stealing secret looks at each other from across the table Lorelai becomes suspicious. When they touch hands whenever they can Lorelai knows. And when they are found discussing literary classics it is confirmed. By seven o'clock Lorelai is dying to ask Rory what happened since the last time she had spoken to her alone and crying.

"Luke," she whispers, "what is going on between those two?" They stand alone by the kitchen sink while Rory, Jess and the boys watch a movie in the T.V room.

Luke shrugs in an unperturbed manner and says, "Looks as though they've made up. It's a good thing or I would have pounded his face in."

"In what way did they make up though?" Lorelai says stealing a peak around the kitchen corner to see Jess and Rory sitting too close together on the couch. Their hands lightly touching. 

"Does it matter?" Luke asks and begins scrubbing another dish in pink soap and water. "I'm sure Rory'll tell you as soon as she gets the chance."

Lorelai turns to her husband and sighs, "I guess." She comes to help him dry the dishes, "When did she get home last night?"

"I'm not keeping tabs on Rory's whereabouts, she's an adult now."

"I know that!" Lorelai says while rolling her eyes. "It's called gossip."

"I don't keep tabs on that either. I leave that to Babbette and Ms. Patty." Luke hands Lorelai another dish. He looks sideways at her, "And you."

Lorelai grins, "What if they're doing the smooches?"

"The what?"

"Oh come on, you know . . ." And Lorelai kisses him on the lips with a loud smack.

"If they are I don't want to know about it." Luke grimaces. 

"Why did I marry such an unfun man?"

"That's not even a word."

"Yeah, well, you work at a diner. So there."

"What? Are you trying to use that as an insult? I've served you coffee there for the past twenty years!" Luke shakes his head and lets out a defeated sigh. "You make no sense."

Lorelai shrugs and dries another plate, "Sense smense. Who needs it when you have Brad Pitt?"

"You're still on about him? What happened to Mel Gibson?"

"He got old." Lorelai wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. "What a pity."

"Not really, he only had two good movies. Maybe one."

"What?!"

"Oh come on, 'What Women Want'?"

"You obviously don't know!"

Their argument can be heard from the T.V room as Lorelai's voice grows louder with injustice. Rory and Jess smile with amusement over Mathew's head. His arm is now laid across the back of the couch behind Mathew until it reaches Rory. His hand is on her neck playing with her hair, it sends small tingles down her spine and she grins. 

Later on that night Mathew and Tyler are put to bed and Jess leaves with a promise. 

It's finally Lorelai's chance to pounce on Rory with questions and she does the second they're alone. 

She finds Rory alone in the kitchen making coffee and makes a beeline for her, "What's going on?! I've been out of my mind all day wanting to ask you!"

Rory smiles so broadly that a light touches her eyes in a pool of inky blue. "Mom! I am so happy!" She's nearly jumping like a school girl.

Lorelai does jump like a school girl, "Oh my gosh! What happened?"

A giggle escapes from Rory's lips as she grabs her mother's hands and pulls her to the kitchen table where they both sit down. "A lot happened last night while you were at the Dragonfly."

"Yeah! So I've noticed!" Lorelai says exasperated. "You have not peeped a word to me about to all day and I'm nearly going insane!"

Rory laughs and says, "I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk to you alone."

"But mostly you wanted to talk to Jess alone the entire day."

A blush creeps up Rory's face, "Well, maybe a little."

"Oh! That's okay chica!" Lorelai says with a wink. "So spill, what happened?"

"Okay," Rory says still smiling, "As you recall I was still in a state of distress when you left me."

"Even with a little help from Ben and Jerry."

"Yes, even with their help I was still upset. So after you left I took the longest nap of my life since Lane and I never went to sleep. I woke up to the smell of some _really _good smellin' sauce and of course I could not simply stay in bed!"

"Of course not! Who would?"

"Exactly. I mean I had to get up although I _knew _Jess was there and eat whatever it was that Luke was cooking." Rory says and than she tells her story from last night to her mother the best she can. Yet there are no words to describe how she flew through stars and moons and sky when she was with Jess, or how his hand felt upon her cheek.

But none of that really matters. Lorelai doesn't need to hear these things because she already knows. She can tell by the way Rory's mouth tugs upwards when she says his name, her eyes alight when she recalls their kiss, her arms wave around as she tells her story, and her cheeks are still pink with the tendrils of love brushing her face. 

Rory slows down as she comes to the end of her story, "We just talked and talked nearly the entire night, that's why I slept in so late today." She yawns and says, "Going nearly two days without much sleep was not the best idea but totally worth it."

"Well," Lorelai says with her eyebrows raised and laughter in her eyes, "you don't have to sneak through the window tonight."

Rory laughs and thanks her mother for knowing her so well. 

***

I've been trying my hardest not to let myself become too happy, but it hasn't been easy. I can't help but grin so widely that my cheeks hurt when I think of him, and my heart simply will not slow. It's still hard to believe that two weeks ago I couldn't stand coming back to Stars Hollow and hadn't thought about Jess in years. It seems as though he's all I think about now.

Yesterday we met after dinner as promised and he surprised me with a fresh batch of cookies. If we don't slow down soon I am going to fall so hard in love that I don't think I will be able to stand again. 

My hands splay across the small of Tyler's back as I push him forward on the swing and he squeals in delight. I am babysitting this morning while Mom's at the Dragonfly and Luke's at the diner. Jess should be here at any minute.

"Don't forget me!" Mathew yells from the swing next to Tyler. 

"Not a chance," I say and give him another push. "Remember to pump your legs!"

"It's all in the legs!" Mathew shouts repeating what my Mother had said to me this morning when she suggested I wear a skirt instead of jeans. I laugh as my little brother flies higher into the air.

The sun is so bright today that it could evoke the child in anyone, it's a day when playfulness and freckles are inevitable. A small breeze tickles my bare legs and feet, it causes the hair wisps around my face to dance and wave in the air. There are banana yellow leaves dashing across the yard, I wonder if this will be the last lingering summer day before fall blows in. 

I push Tyler again as he asks if there really is a coffee pot at the end of a rainbow.

"Well duh! Of course there is!" I say imagining what other kind of fairy tales Mom is feeding her children.

"Cause Daddy says there isn't!" He says connecting with the blue sky above him and then soaring back down.

"Mommy promised." Mathew tells his brother firmly and knowingly.

"Mom told me that too, you know." I say now pushing Mathew up into the air.

Tyler is swinging back to me when he says, "Dad tolded me not to believe _anything_ Mommy says."

I am trying to hold back my giggles as I continue to push them through the air into the sky where a sun is grinning widely back at us. "Next time we see a rainbow we'll try to find the end of it. How's that sound? Then we'll know and prove your Dad wrong."

"Okay!" Mathew and Tyler yell together excitedly. I see their hopeful faces and know they're already imagining what the end of a rainbow looks like and if they can climb on it and if there really will be a coffee pot waiting for them. I am thinking back to the night when Mom told me the same story and how she smelled like coffee next to me so much that I completely believed her. 

"What's this about searching for a rainbow?"

I look up to see Jess sauntering across the lawn towards us, my heart does an involuntary leap in my chest so suddenly that I nearly gasp. 

Mathew and Tyler have already skidded to a stop and are running to him. When they reach him they're both asking questions so quickly about coffee pots and rainbows that their words are jumbled and mixed. 

"Woah, slow down!" He says looking up at me with a grin. I can feel myself flushing with pleasure already.

When Tyler and Mathew finally manage to ask if there really is a coffee pot at the end of a rainbow Jess is smiling even more widely. "Who told you this? Your Mom?"

"Ya." They say.

"Huh," he says looking back up at me again and ruffling their hairs, "then there must be."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. Lorelai doesn't tell lies." Now he's not grinning but smirking in a very familiar way. 

Mathew and Tyler are staring up at him now with confused almost scared faces. "Lore . . .Lore . . .lai?" They both struggle to say their mothers name. 

"Mommy he means." I say walking over to them.

Relief spreads across their faces and the smiles return, they both let out an identical, "oh."

"Hey," he says to me, his eyes graze over mine and than downward where they linger. I make a mental note to thank Mom later for making me wear a skirt.

"Hi," I say after a moment because I too let myself trail my eyes over him. I love it when he wears a long sleeved shirt with the arms rolled up. He used to do it when we were growing up too fast, it sent shivers down my spine than too. 

"Are we still going to the zoo?" Tyler asks pulling on my skirt and I tear my gaze away from Jess' muscular arms that are making me crazy. 

"Of course!" I say and pick him up. I kiss his cheek and rub my face into his hair; sometimes my maternal instincts kick in so much that I am actually itching for my own children. 

I look up to see Jess staring at me and for some reason I have to look away.

Later on Jess and I are both strapping the boys into the car when I realize it might cool down later on so I run back into the house to grab the their jackets. I am searching the jumbled closet chock full of my mother's coats when I feel him put his arms around me and kiss my neck.

I turn around and entangle my hands in his hair, "The boys . . ."

But he cuts me off with a kiss so fierce that I have already forgotten their names, I can only think of his lips against mine so hot and his fingers pressing into the small of my back.

When we break away he says, "I'm sorry, I couldn't wait." But his eyes aren't sorry and he's smiling again. 

"I'm glad you didn't," I say but push him away. "Now, I have to find their jackets."

He grins, kisses me once more and than lets go to walk to the door.

A thought suddenly occurs to me, I spin around away from the closet, "Jess?" 

He looks back and raises his eyebrows.

"Ride home with me Sunday?"

His eyes stare into mine with such ferocity that I almost want to look away, but I don't. A smile slowly spreads across his face and he nods, "Yeah, okay."

When I turn back to the closet I am grinning as widely and as brightly as the sun. 

***

They are all thinking how fast two weeks can go by when Luke loads their suitcases into her car. And when they step outside into a cool afternoon every one is wishing Sunday hadn't come so fast. Jess still believes he is living in a fairy tale, this is new to him and he wishes it to never end. Rory has never loved Stars Hollow more and is wondering how she could have ever grown away from it. Lorelai feels the familiar lump forming in her throat every time she watches her only daughter leave home. The twins are mourning over two playmates that can take them to the zoo, and Luke is so proud of his nephew he could burst. 

But the end of something wonderful has come, as it always does as time tap dances itself across the earth. 

They each say their good-byes to Mathew and Tyler with kisses and hugs and hair ruffles and the promise that they'll be back very soon to search for a rainbow. While Jess shakes Luke's hand and thanks him for the hospitality, Rory and Lorelai cling to each other as though it's the first day of Rory's college. It happens every time though; Luke has grown used to the red eyes, the forced girlie giggles, and random references to famous movie goodbye scenes. 

Today's favorite reference is _Moulin Rouge _as Lorelai tells Rory that she will love her 'come what may'. 

It is still another five minutes of this before Rory and Jess finally find themselves climbing into the car readying themselves for the ride home. 

Her hands still before turning the key in the ignition as she stares at her childhood home and says, "It's always hard leaving, but going home makes it worth it." Rory is already itching to start working again as soon as Monday begins . She can barely wait to tell Kylie the past two weeks of her life. But most of all, she's waiting to start her real life again dating a guy with a really good name. 

Jess places his hand over her and starts the ignition, "Then let's be on our way."

Rory smiles at him and with one last wave backs the car from the driveway and down the road. 

They're both happy that their conversation starts so easily and freely, they're both glad that when the are silences they are never uncomfortable. They both smile to be in one another's company.

Rory feels exceptionally lucky when they begin talking about J.D Salinger, it's been years since she's had someone to talk to like Jess over literary classics. "I'm sorry, but 'Catcher in the Rye' is my absolute favorite of the Salinger's." 

Jess snorts, "That entire book all Caufield does is whine."

"Not true!" Rory says indignantly, "He obviously has problems with happiness but the way Salinger describes his emotions it's as though you're inside his head."

"I still prefer 'Nine Stories'." Jess shrugs.

"I did like 'Nine Stories' too, but the first story was so hard on me for some reason. One second I'm laughing about the guys feet and the next he's shooting himself in the head."

"That's what's so intriguing though. There's all these hints in the beginning as to his depression, yet when he finally kills himself it's such a shock that you have to read the entire story over again, but still you don't truly understand it."

"I guess." Rory says, but still remembers the way she had to put the book down and cover her mouth when she read the last sentence.

"If you really like 'Catcher', you've gotta read this book I bought a few months ago, it reminded me of Holden Caufield so much that I read 'Catcher' again."

"What is it?" Rory asks suddenly interested.

"'Disobedience' by Jane Hamilton."

"Map Around the World?"

"Yeah."

"What's it about?"

"This kid finds out that his mother is having an affair when he opens her email."

Rory raises her eyebrows, "Sounds interesting."

"It is, you'll love it. Promise."

"I trust you." Rory says. They both smile and their hearts grin. 

The suns is falling behind them leaving splashes of soap bubble pink and red the color of Hawaiian punch. The road stretches black and inviting before them, neither is afraid where it will take them.

__

AN: I fully intended for this to be the last chapter, but now I am not so sure. Many reviews have been expecting it to continue more into the future and that has had me thinking that maybe I should. I'm not sure if I'll write more chapters or simply do a sequel. Neither would be very long, and at this point I am at a complete loss for ideas. So if anyone would like to share their opinion it would be incredibly helpful. 

Jess is on tonight! Finally! I thought it was going to happen about three weeks ago! Damn previews. Thanks for those who warned me that he wouldn't be.

REVIEW PLEASE!!


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